What I Imagine Ben Affleck is Texting Matt Damon about Newly Single Jennifer Lopez

[Yesterday 11:32 AM]

Today is the DAY, Mattyboy!

[Yesterday 11:33 AM]

2 PM. Beverly Hills Hotel. Jennifer. And. Me. 

[Yesterday 11:34 AM]

I’ve been waiting years for a chance like this, man. I am NOT going to mess it up. 

[Yesterday 11:48 AM]

Should I wear my gray Boston shirt or my navy blue Boston shirt better? The gray one has a collar??

[Yesterday 12:16 PM]

Hey I got Luciana’s voicemail saying not to bring red roses so don’t tell her I bought them anyway. 

[Yesterday 12:28 PM]

This sounds so corny, but I have such a good feeling about today. The sun’s shining, the birds are chirping, I get to see Jennifer – I’m light as a goddamn feather!

[Yesterday 12:29 PM]

I forgot what it feels like to be hopeful…

[Yesterday 12:32 PM]

Do you know how to get nacho cheese out of a hoodie ??

[Yesterday 12:42 PM]

We’ve always been friends, you know? But she’s just…I could never get her out of my head.

[Yesterday 12:48 PM]

She’s gonna send me a ‘sclade 😎

[Yesterday 1:08 PM]

Officially ending things with Ana. I just texted her and said I’m not gonna text her anymore.

[Yesterday 1:12 PM]

She probably forgot about the back tat, right????

[Yesterday 1:21 PM]

I’m just gonna speak from my heart. I’m gonna say that Gigli was the best thing I ever did because it brought her into my life. Even better than Argo. 

[Yesterday 1:26 PM]

Ok, I’m not shaving. My morning Dunkies gave me the shakes.

[Yesterday 1:36 PM]

I know it’s a longshot to think she’d ever give a bum like me another shot. But if I don’t do this today, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. 

[Yesterday 1:42 PM]

‘sclade’s here, Mattyboy 😎😎😎

[Yesterday 1:52 PM]

She’s the one that got away, man. 

[Yesterday 1:53 PM]

I’m gonna tell her that. 

[Yesterday 1:53 PM]

I always knew we would find our way back to each other. And now we finally have the chance…

[Yesterday 1:54 PM]

I’m gonna do it, man. I’m gonna tell her that I love her.

[Yesterday 1:54 PM]

I never stopped loving her. 

[Yesterday 1:55 PM]

The only thing I want to see every day is her smile. Sometimes I play old voicemails from her just to hear her laugh! I’ve watched Monster-in-Law 12 times this week alone!! I want to spend the rest of my days selling merch at her tours and driving her to pilates!!!!!

[Yesterday 1:56 PM]

Holy shit, I’m really gonna do this. I’m gonna tell her. My heart’s gonna fall out of my ass.

[Yesterday 1:58 PM]

fuck the roses got sqwusihed in my backpack 

[Yesterday 3:32 PM]

DREAMS DO COME TRUE, MATTY BOY

[Yesterday 3:33 PM]

IT WORKED! I DIDN’T SCREW IT UP! I SAID ALL OF THE RIGHT THINGS IN THE RIGHT ORDER AND IT WORKED!

[Yesterday 3:33 PM]

THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

[Yesterday 3:33 PM]

AND YOUR WIFE OWES ME $50!

[Today 5:52 PM]

[Today 5:53 PM]

Rebounds aren’t always a bad thing, right?



Sara Costello is a Chicago actor, improviser, writer and tarot slinger. DM her about ghosts and/or gigs at @saracosty.

Categories: Fiction

Daily Drunk

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *