I knew it. I knew there was a secret reason behind this vaccine. Except it wasn’t Bill Gates implanting microchips, it was Walt Disney all along. Ever since I’ve been vaccinated my brain has been streaming Disney Plus.
I didn’t notice it at first since the streaming gradually crept into my everyday life and influenced my actions. It’s grown out of control. Looking back on it now it seems obvious, especially when I signed my vaccination card. My signature came out in that fancy all-caps calligraphy of Walt’s hand and everyone who saw it thought I was being an obnoxious jerk. I must have also missed the fine print that I was going to be charged $7.99 per month for the rest of my life.
The next morning I woke up to some strange music and thought maybe I left my TV on. Each day I wake up to the start of a classic Disney film with the first phrase of “When You Wish Upon a Star” playing in my head. Early on it was actually quite pleasant, but it’s impossible to sleep through and it happens every damn day.
Still, I dealt with it and kept it to myself. Once the soreness in my arm went away, I started to catch a glimpse of Tinkerbell sprinkling fairy dust or whatever the hell she does. I’d see her out of the corner of my eye and she’d disappear just as fast. It was just enough to make me shake my head or think I was losing my mind. Believe me, she showed up whenever she felt like it, even during what I thought were some intensely private moments.
Then, a few days later, after I shut my front door heading to work, I noticed my home morphed into the Disney castle. This aggravated our neighbors since their homes were suddenly dwarfed by this massive new structure. Plus it was a big no-no with the HOA. But what really drove them nuts was that I now had one of those shooting stars that burns a perfect half-arc overhead every five minutes.
Eventually they all banded together and confronted me about the constant fireworks going off all day and night. That’s when I noticed my accent and laugh had changed into Goofy’s yuks and chortles. When they’d angrily ask why I’m blowing off fireworks at 7am, I would respond with, “Gawrsh!. I, uh guess I don’t know, ah-hyuck!” They all thought I was mocking them and the fists started flying.
It turned into a massive brawl and as I screamed for help, 101 Dalmatians ran out my front door and came to my rescue. Even though they were puppies they nipped everyone’s ankles and fought fiercely to help free me as I ran to my car and pressed my key fob to unlock my doors.
Only instead of unlocking my car my key fob summoned some old spaceship that took me to a faraway galaxy where I’ve been ever since.
I’ve had no choice but to make peace with it. Sure it’s desolate and there are some strange superheroes that I don’t really recognize, but I guess this is the way.
Every so often my brain gets stuck in a Toy Story-athon which I used to enjoy, but it gets harder to get over Sarah McLachlan’s super sad song in part two. And it makes parts 3 and 4 seem unbearably long. There are so many Pixar films now. Don’t get me started on the shorts.
On a rare occasion, however, I luckily get stuck on a Simpsons binge, and that actually makes it all worth it.
Kurt Zemaitaitis is a musician and comedy writer trying to inject a little more humor into the world. His writing is published in Slackjaw, Points in Case, Robot Butt, Little Old Lady, and other sites.