“I Can’t Feel My Face” Modified by a Cosmetic Surgery Addict For Dr. Paul Nassif and Dr. Terry Dubrow of E!’s Reality Show ‘Botched’

And I know they’ll fix up all of me!

At least they’re both not dumb.

And they’ll always get more cash from me.

My lift is yet to come!

But at least I might get beautiful and look forever young?

This I hope!

Yeah, this I hope.

Nassif told me, “Don’t worry about the botox!”

Dubrow told me, “Don’t worry about the facelift no more!”

They both know I can’t go without it.

They told me, “You need some silicone!”

Docs!

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.

But I love it.

But I love it. 

(Ouchies.)

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.

But I guess I don’t mind it. 

But I slightly dislike it. 

(Ouch.)

And I know this tuck will be best for me.

At least my skin will be numb!

And they’ll always get more dough from me.

My chemical peel is yet to come!

All the misery is necessary when I’m too ugly to love.

This I know. 

(This I know.)

Docs, I know!

Nassif told me, “Don’t worry about the liposuction!”

Dubrow told me, “Don’t worry about that boob job no more!”

They both said I can’t go without it.

They told me, “You’ll love your new nasal bone!”

Docs!

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.

But I kind of despise it?

Oh, I actually hate it. 

(Fuck! This hurts!)

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.

But I loathe it.

But I’m still ugly!?

(Ow! It burns!)

Ohhhhh ooooooooh 

Paul told me, “Don’t worry about it!”

Terry told me, “Don’t worry no more!”

They both know I can’t go without it.

They told me I’ll never have good cheekbones!

Oh, Docs!

I’ll go into debt when I’m with you!

(I’ll go into debt when I’m with you)

But I’m addicted. 

(Yeah, I’m too far gone.)

But it’s an obsession. 

(Yup, it’s a problem.)

I’ll empty my pockets out for you. 

(But I somehow hate myself more now?) 

(Yeah. It’s pretty fuckin’ glum.)

I can’t feel my: face, boobs, butt, tummy, thighs, or calves when I’m with you.

(I can’t feel my whole body when I’m with you)

But I hate it.

Yeah, I hate it.

And you’ll suggest another surgery. 

And I’ll book it.

And I’ll pay for it.

And I’ll go on TV for it.

And you’ll love it. 

But I’ll hate it.

(But I’ll book it.)

(I’ll still book it.)



Kerry Webster Reynolds is a Massachusetts high school Creative Writing teacher who writes her own stuff sometimes. Words: Points in Case, Belladonna, Daily Drunk, Little Old Lady Comedy, etc.. Follow her on Twitter: @KWebbyRey. Really. She’s new to Twitter and gets V excited about followers.

Categories: Poetry, TV

Daily Drunk

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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