Let’s be honest, we all have embarrassing memories from childhood that we’ve tried hard to forget. But do you feel like there are large chunks of your memory that are missing entirely? Do you have trouble recalling months or even years of your childhood? Take this quiz to find out for certain: is your poor memory a product of completely normal repressed childhood embarrassment, or are you actually mysterious teen hunk Kyle XY?
Question 1: What is one of the earliest memories of your childhood?
- My first day of school – I was so self-conscious!
- Waking up naked and disoriented in a forest just outside Seattle.
Question 2: Describe your first romantic encounter. Was your partner visibly shocked at the sight of your lower-abdomen region, generally?
- Yes, it was a super awkward experience.
- Yes… but for sci-fi reasons.
Question 3: Okay, then how would you classify your navel and surrounding navel area?
- Normal, I think?
- I have no idea what that is.
Question 4: Would you say you have an innie, an outie, orrrr… something else?
- I really don’t understand how this would help me figure out the reason for my bad memory…
- Definitely something else.
Question 5: Straight up, do you have a belly button?
- Okay, now I’m sure this one has nothing to do with my childhood. What’s going on here??
- No, actually.
Question 6: Okay, fine, I’ll move on. Describe your relationship with your family and also your belly button.
- A little hairy these days…and my family situation, too, if you must know.
- Both nonexistent.
Question 7: Would you have been caught dead wearing a crop top during beach season growing up?
- No, I struggled a lot with my body image when I was younger.
- No, people tend to stare and point when I take my shirt off. You know, because of the whole “no belly button” thing.
Question 8: If your childhood were a movie, what movie would it be? (Note: No naturally-born human with a normal tummy button would ever say Cars 2).
- Boyhood! Linklater doesn’t miss. Plus, I really relate to how the boy grew from small to big, just like me!
- Cars 2.
Question 9: If you were on Family Feud, and the category was “Things that a placenta might attach to,” would you play or pass to the other team?
- This is a weirdly specific question… but, I don’t know. My family isn’t on speaking terms.
- Immediate pass.
Question 10: If you could go back in time to stab Hitler in the belly button, would you even know where that is?
- I won’t validate this question by responding to it.
- Not even a little bit.
Question 11: Word association: “Midriff.” This word makes me think of a belly _____?
- Button! A belly button! Is that what you want me to say?! Wow you’re soooo funny.
- A belly what? It’s just my belly, there’s nothing else there, no grooves or markings or anything like that.
Question 12: So are you an alien, or is it some kind of zombie situation? Sorry, I’ve never seen the show.
- I’m not Kyle XY! Stop asking me about my belly button!
- The show kind of falls off after season one, so you’re probably better off, to be honest. Also, it’s more of a cloning thing.
Question 13: Man, what I wouldn’t give to be gone from my belly button for good. Be real, it’s bliss, right?
- That’s it, I’m leaving! You’re a disgrace to the quiz format, and I hope you never achieve personal or professional satisfaction! You hear me? You don’t deserve the warm embrace of a lover, or a healthy workplace environment!
- Oh yeah. I’m so smooth down there, like you wouldn’t believe.
Mostly 1s: You have some shit to work out from your childhood…probably. I don’t know, I’m clearly not a professional (but, off the record, let’s never hang out).
Mostly 2s: You are Kyle XY.
Kevin Burke can be followed on Twitter @Ke7inBurke and McKayley Gourley is on Twitter @_chase_____.