They say the key to writing is to write what you want to read. If only it were that simple when it comes to movies. So please, entertain me—join me—in this high-octane adventure that exists only in my mind… 

After the brilliance that was the Wachowskis’ Speed Racer (2008) they’ve decided to take on yet another high-speed journey in a joint project between Fox, Nintendo, and Universal for a franchise crossover that makes too much sense not to try out. 

Lap 52 – F&F-Zero takes place in Mute City where it is anything but quiet. Galactic destruction looms as Zoda, played by Willem Defoe, is rumored to have taken over the Dark Million after Black Shadow’s death at the sacrificial fist of Captain Falcon. Zoda aims to resurrect the Dark Reactor—but better—in order to wreak havoc on the galaxy, causing its total destruction, achieving what Black Shadow could not. 

To do so, Charlize Theron will reprise her role as Cipher, the cyberterrorist, who was placed into cold sleep after the final Fast and the Furious film. 

However, unbeknownst to Zoda, the Mobile Task Force—Mute City’s non-shitty police force—has its own card hidden up its sleeve. Upon killing his brother John Cena (or whatever the fuck happened in F9—remember, this doesn’t exist. Just roll with it.) Dom, played by Vin Diesel, was also placed into cold sleep and is awakened in 2207 for this precise occasion. Dom is introduced to the MTF at the Falcon House by the mysterious Racer X, played by Matthew Fox, who will promptly leave; a cameo well-done. 

Rick Wheeler, played by Andrew Scott (the actor, not the property brother—you know what? Fuck it, you choose) leads the team as head racer and the new Captain Falcon. The former Captain Falcon (it’s a title, not a person) is played by Henry Cavill (because look at that perfect chin) and comes to Rick in his dreams to mentor him as a racer, a person, and a Falcon. Though Rick will struggle at first, he learns to embrace his title as the new Captain Falcon by the end of the second act. 

Jody Summer, the MTF’s sort of house mom, will be played by Jodie Comer and organizes the MTF’s strategy to take down Zoda, Cipher, and the Dark Million. At the end of the day, she determines it all comes down to money, like always. Zoda is a last-minute entry to the Grand Prix and aims to win, using the prize money to build his bigger, better, Dark Reactor. Cipher will do her worst to hack into the MTF’s various vehicles during the Grand Prix. 

But the MTF has a loaded hand, entering more than six racers on their behalf, in order to win the prize money for themselves and stop Zoda from destroying the universe. Among those racers are Mr. EAD, played by John Goodman and John Tanaka, played by Joel McHale. 

Of course, we cannot forget Jack Levin, who will be played by a confused Chris Evans, believing the role to be that of Vash the Stampede, not Jack Levin, due to visual similarities. The confusion will not affect the role. 

There will be chaos. There will be crashes. There will be quips. There will be punches. 

F&F-Zero: now playing in the theaters of our minds. 

Michael Bettendorf’s work has appeared in a handful of places around the internet and in print (how fancy?) He lives in Lincoln with his partner and dog where he tries to convince the world Nebraska is too strange to be a flyover state.