Cats are great. They’re silent, low maintenance, and pretty good when it comes to keeping your flat insect-free. But not everybody loves cats. Some of us, the dog-lover ones, are actually quite scared of cats. But the biggest issue here is not that we’re afraid, or that we hardly know how to interact with them: the problem is that cats mess with our clothes. Big time. We don’t find it cute, and it’s certainly not a nice reminder. I don’t know about you, but cat hairs don’t make my clothes look better either, and I would rather avoid the “I’m a cat owner” look, especially when I’m not even one of them to begin with.

But you do stupid things when you like someone. Like pretending you like cats, for example. What you don’t know is that you’re not the only one who’s gonna suffer because of this absurd lie: your clothes will too. Anyway, you’re already deep in this shit and there’s nothing you can do about it. The existence of this new person in your life implies the existence of the cat as well, and so you don’t really have an option here, neither do all your black t-shirts. What to do, what to do? I’ll give you some options, none of them approved by anybody, mostly just thoughts I have at night while surrounded by a cloud of hairs that are not mine:

• Pretend you’re allergic, even if you have never been allergic to anything in your entire life. This is not in an attempt to get rid of the cat (I mean, we don’t like them but we don’t hate them, right?), but for your person to brush it as often as possible, and also clean, like, really clean their bedroom. I’m sure even the cat will appreciate this, and your sweaters won’t suffer so much every time you walk into that room.

• Avoid dark clothes entirely. Now, this will only work if the cat has light brown/white hairs of course, so it basically depends on the colour of the little demon that has been forced into your life. Black cat? Just avoid dressing up like the Backstreet Boys and you’ll be fine.

• Also, avoid nice clothes altogether. Put on your worst outfit if possible, the one you wear to clean the house or to watch movies at 4 pm on a Sunday. This will have two effects: it’ll keep your fancy coats hair-free while challenging your relationship at the same time. If they can handle you at your worst, they will definitely be able to get over the fact you don’t like cats. Once you tell them, of course. 

• Don’t ignore the cat, but rather try to pet it. Pretend you like it and I assure you the cat will avoid you like hell. This is pure reverse psychology: the more you show a cat you like it, the more they will ignore you, and vice versa. I’ve learned this the hard way by ignoring too many cats in my life and always being the one ending up with my clothes full of damn cat hairs. They’ll rub up against your legs and nothing will save you if you’re wearing black trousers. Show some fake love and you’ll be saved!

• Get yourself a cat. Not because you really want one, but as the saying goes: if you can’t fight them, just fucking join them. Maybe you’ll like the hairs of your own cat, who knows. You’ve made the grown up decision to ruin your clothes already, so why not go all the way in? 

Or you can do the mature thing and just buy yourself a lint roller to remove the hairs from your clothes. Even better, you can get your partner to buy you one, or ten for that matter, and some extra new clothes, since they’re the reason for this curse. In the end, you didn’t ask for the cat, so why should you be the one investing on a new hoodie, or even a brush?

Siham Lee is a Chilean writer living in Glasgow. She’s currently doing a Mlitt in Creative Writing while writing short stories to keep herself alive and mentally stable in the midst of working on her first novel. The rest of the time she’s either rewatching Brooklyn 99 for the ninth time or eating all the cookies in the house.