How I Was Duped by SpongeBob SquarePants’ Totally Honest Match.com Profile

I know most on-line dating profiles are dazzling works of Pulitzer-worthy fiction.  However, in the case of my absorbent, yellow, and porous True Love, he was completely truthful.  When he listed those three adjectives right up front I took it to mean that he is, 1) a good listener who drinks in the words of others, 2) a cheery fellow of an optimistic bent, and 3) sensitive and open to others’ feelings.  Yes, it seemed a little too “lyrical,” shall we say, but also original and intriguing.  When we met for the first time at Starbucks I was thrown because he literally is a yellow sponge, but there is so much more to him!

SpongeBob is a real mensch, unafraid to express himself or make a commitment.  He oozes with affection for his pet, Gary.  (Loving animals is big on match.com: adoring kittens and puppies is right up there with walks at sunset and saving downed sparrows.)  Bob’s great affection for this sea snail (whose IQ appears higher than his owner’s) reveals a loving soul.  And Bob’s unflagging loyalty to his brusque and ornery boss, Mr. Krabb, even in the face of harsh criticism and rage, is a thing of beauty.  

Employment is a big factor in looking for a mate.  A man who loves his work (even underpaid, humble labor like Bob’s) is a precious find.  Flipping Krabby Patties at the Krusty Krabb is a satisfying career for him.  He may not be the CEO of anything, but he is both frugal and practical, and quite able to afford his own lovely pineapple in a good neighborhood of Bikini Bottom.

When asked to enumerate his “own brand of superpowers” on the cutesy part of the profile, Bob lists some pretty amazing and amusing abilities, but they are all true!  He is able to change shape, blowing up like a blimp and a moment later dissolving himself into an eye-balled puddle on the ground.  His facial expressiveness is uncanny.  His eyes literally burst with anger, cry humongous tears of pain or sorrow, and can pop out and recoil into his big square yellow face as if attached to Slinkies! This sweet guy cannot dissemble, lie, or hide his emotions!  Such transparency eliminates so much guesswork and misery in a relationship!  Bob is also an absolute maestro with the bubble wand, a talent you rarely run into!

What about the photo, you ask?  Always a problem.  Photoshopped? Or actual, though taken years ago or before you put on that 35 pounds?  With Bob, yes, he is square and porous, lacking normal musculature in his limbs, but he always has a wrinkle-free, short-sleeved dress shirt on and that snazzy red tie.  His pants fit extremely well.  His shoes seem perpetually polished.  And what about those sweet baby blues of his?  He definitely has an individual, delightfully quirky look and distinct charm, plus a range of joyous smiles to melt any woman’s heart!

I am more than a bit biased now, of course, but he had me at the get-go.  You only need to see him interact with his friends to fall further in love.  With Bob’s eternal endearing optimism, he always thinks the very best of people!  His BFF Patrick is mentally less than stable, and yet Bob sees only good in him and tries to help him along life’s path.  Squidward, his cranky co-worker who generally rebuffs Bob’s many kindnesses, Bob ardently maintains is a dear friend with glowing qualities others are unable to see.

It is his wisest and most unusual friend who gave me excellent advice when I was first dating Bob.  Sandy Cheeks, the squirrel who uncomplainingly wears that cumbersome bubble helmet, told me that being a mammal living on the ocean floor has its trials, but is so worth it if the company is good.  And for me SpongeBob SquarePants is just so right.  Thank you, match.com!



Eva Meckna is, as her husband always said, an English major gone horribly wrong.  Her work has appeared on Points in Case, Funny-ish and Little Old Lady Comedy.

Categories: Fiction

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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