Dr. Gibson – Good morning gentlemen.
Craig – Actually you should say good afternoon. It’s 12:04.
Dr. Gibson – Very well: good afternoon gentlemen.
Craig, Karl, and Mark – Good morning Mrs. Gibson.
Karl – Mrs. is a bit presumptuous. Since none of us know your marital status, Ms. is the proper address.
Dr. Gibson – Mrs. is fine Karl, or doctor. Now last week we were discussing Mark’s tendency to stand at the front of the bus and give a few pointers whenever he sees a female driver, even though you say you’ve never driven a bus before Mark.
Mark – Look Mrs. Gibson, some things are just innate. That means you are never going to understand them in the same way that I can understand them.
Dr. Gibson – I know what innate means Mark. I’d like to pick up from last week’s discussion of . . .
Karl – Truth be told Ms. Gibson, that was two weeks ago. Last week we rescheduled because you had a cold.
Dr. Gibson – Yes that’s correct Karl. I had bronchitis, but I’m all better now and ready to help you gentlemen with your constant compulsion to overexplain things to women.
Craig – Actually bronchitis is often a chronic condition. You probably still have a lingering infection in your airways, and that can turn into pneumonia if you’re not careful.
Dr. Gibson – Thank you Craig. Let’s focus on Mark’s belief that men are innately better at driving a bus.
Mark – We aren’t innately better drivers. We’re just better at focusing because we’re not constantly doing our lipstick in the mirror. And we don’t have to go to the bathroom as often because our bladders are bigger.
Dr. Gibson – I don’t think bladder size has anything to do with driving a bus.
Karl – No offense Ms. Gibson, but you’re a bit out of your element here. Have you ever noticed how hard it is to concentrate when you have to go to the bathroom? And men definitely have bigger bladders.
Dr. Gibson – Irregardless of bladder size, I think the root of the problem . . .
Craig – Actually irregardless is not a word. It’s a double negative, so when people say irregardless they are saying that something should be regarded, which is the opposite of their intention. You should just say regardless, or even nonetheless.
Dr. Gibson – Thank you Craig, but remember how we talked about trying not to interrupt even if a woman happens to make a simple mistake?
Mark – I took a psychology class in college, and what you’re doing to Craig right now is called countertransference. He’s just trying to be helpful, and here you are jumping down his throat. I bet your husband has been interrupting you, and it’s getting on your nerves, and now you’re transferring your anger.
Dr. Gibson – I know what countertransference is, and I don’t think it applies in this situation. We’re a bit scattered today. If we could just get back to the bus incident . . .
Karl – We should have these sessions earlier. According to Psychology Today, people are 40% less alert right before lunch. Have you eaten yet Ms. Gibson?
Dr. Gibson – I had a turkey sandwich.
Mark – That’s the problem right there. Turkey is full of tryptophane. You must be exhausted. I think we should adjourn until next week and let you catch up on some sleep.
Craig – That will give you time to manage your chronic bronchitis.
Dr. Gibson – I don’t have chronic bronchitis. You gentlemen are avoiding the topic we came to discuss.
Mark – Every time you get agitated you squirm in your seat. It’s a tell. A tell is a poker thing. It’s when a player gives away how good his hand is with subtle movements.
Dr. Gibson – I’m not squirming Mark. This is not a poker game.
Karl – It’s all right Ms. Gibson, I know why you’re squirming. We don’t mind if you have to use the bathroom.
Dr. Gibson – Maybe doing this in a group setting was a mistake.
Craig – Actually studies show that group therapy, in conjunction with one-on-one sessions, has an overall net positive effect on . . .
Oscar Rhea is a budding comedy writer who scribbles ridiculous things in his Chinatown basement apartment. Some might say he’s ‘Living the Dream’. Then again, some people think eating Tide Pods is cool. You decide. More ridiculousness from Oscar Rhea is available at The Haven, 251, Greener Pastures, and Robot Butt.