Is Idaho Really My Destiny?

Seven rural Oregon counties have voted in favor of leaving Oregon and becoming part of Idaho. Several California counties are also under consideration.

                                    – News item May, 2021 


Dude,

As a Californian, I am cheesed off that my West Coast compadres want to peel off a few counties and attach them to Idaho.

Idaho???

Like, I doubt the Idahoonies want us that much.

Consider the blowback against this secession thing.

To start, California’s state fruit is the killer avocado, awesome for avocado toast. Idaho’s state fruit is the gnarly huckleberry. You can’t put a poached egg on a huckleberry. Golden State wins that one.

Californians invented surfing, flip-flops, power outages, oranges, great white sharks, the LAPD, and the adult film industry. In Idaho, they only invented the potato. If we secede to Idaho, I am guessing the Hoonies would make us eat spuds with their moose burgers at every meal. Too many carbs. Another plus for La-La land.

Idaho’s border outline looks like an anemic pork chop. California, on the other hand, resembles a killer boomerang. Why mess with that? Besides, if parts of the ‘rang were attached to the chop, the new border would bulge out like the polyp photos from my last colonoscopy. Not very pretty.

In any tradeoff, we’d have to swap a few choice settlements. California would get Boise, which a few locals whine is among North America’s worst-smelling cities. I guess they’ve never sniffed what they’d pick up in return—our Bakersfield, offering the alluring aroma of oil wells and dairies. This might be a straight up trade.

Clothing would be a drawback. I’m sure the new Idahoonie potentates would make us wear their uniform: hiking boots, camo shirts, hunting vests, waders and a shotgun. Can’t surf in that outfit. We need baggy shorts. Advantage: California

Also, hitting the surf in Idaho is way annoying. They only raft, meaning you have to park your transport at point A before splashing miles downriver to point B. But then you’ve got no way to get back at point A? How jake is that? Live in California and you ride awesome waves in the same spot all day long. Makes more sense.

When it comes to serial murderers, California is a leader. Who could ever forget the sensational headlines about our California Night Stalker or the Trailside Killer. Idaho doesn’t have that many residents to serially murder, but still is the celebrated home of America’s first female serial killer, Lyda Southard, who poisoned four devoted husbands and lived on the insurance payoff before they tossed her in the slammer.

All in all, this county-shifting plan seems to be more hassle than it is worth. However, if it does happen, there is one awesome advantage. Get ensnarled in Idaho’s legal system, you can’t do the goofy act. Idaho has no insanity defense.

If you ask me, that’s nuts.



John Hewitt is a former Army cook who now lives in fiery California. His latest novel is Freezer Burn, following the adventures of a not-yet-dead ferret.

Categories: Fiction

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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