Coach Kenobi’s First and Last Little League Practice

Hello, younglings! Call me Coach Kenobi. Everyone, gather around me. You’ve taken your first step into a larger world, the world of baseball. Since this is our first practice, we will practice padawan techniques to help the force flow through you.

In front of you is the baseball bat, an elegant weapon for a more civilized age. Pick it up. Feel it in your hands. Wave it back and forth. Swing it, feel it move through you and move you. Let the wooden grains fuse with your midichlorians. Become one. Only then will you wield your true potential.

Timmy, stop making your bat into a helicopter. Look at Joey, he’s becoming as one. Let the force guide you, as Joey has. Timmy, focus. Drop it. This is not the attention you are looking for. Timmy!

Younglings, I was able to take Timmy’s bat from him because of my mastery of the force. Skill with the force is the child of patience, so don’t bother trying to force pull each other’s bats. It won’t work. Timmy, I’m talking to you. It doesn’t matter how constipated you look, you’re not getting it back. 

Joey, show me your batter’s stance. Good. Balance flows through you. Timmy, don’t even. Nobody finds it funny that you’re holding Billy’s baseball bat between your legs. Nobody laugh. This leads to the dark side of the force. This is not what you find funny. 

Focus. One must feel the force flowing through them to know when a ball should be swung at or not. Watch the ball flow through the air, see how it spins. Close your eyes. Do not see the ball, feel the ball. Then, the future will reveal itself. 

Drop your bats and follow me to the pitcher’s mound. From this high ground, you can win games. Timmy, put the bat down. I swear, if I have to force persuade you one more time. A bat does not belong on the mound. You cannot win, Timmy. Put it down. If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Okay, fine, the bat is mine again. Joey, please hold this. Be a good youngling.

Now, as I was saying, you can feel the seams of the ball. Roll them within your palm and let them become one. Feel the force within and—

Joey, no, don’t put the bat between your legs like Timmy did. Joey! You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the foolishness, not join it! Bring balance to the team, not leave it in darkness! I trusted you! I trusted you and you betrayed me. No, not you too Willy. Billy, no. Cody, Corey, Rory, please. I beg of you. Timmy, how? Not the younglings! Why? Oh, you never liked me? Only a Sith deals in absolutes. Turn away from the dark side. Don’t walk away! Joey, I loved you. Joey!  

I have failed. I failed you all. I need to go home and rethink my life. In little league baseball, you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.



Andrew Sippie finds his happy place when writing and reading speculative fiction. He can often be found teaching and tutoring students from all over the world, jogging through the woods, and grooving to plunderphonics. He’s at andrewsippie.com and twitter @AndrewSippie.

Josh Sippie lives in New York City, where he is the Director of Publishing Guidance at Gotham Writers and an Associate Editor of Uncharted Mag. When not writing, he can be found wondering why he isn’t writing. More at joshsippie.com or Twitter @sippenator101.

Categories: Fiction

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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