She asks me why I am cheesed off. 

And I’m bothered by this not because I thought I had hidden it – 

I know I wasn’t making any effort to hide it 

Because I was inviting something to be said –  

but because of her choice of word. 

How can I say “yes” to cheesed off  

When cheesed off is the kind of thing 

A 1960s sit-com character might say? 

“I’m right cheesed off, I am. I’m right cheesed off.” 

Probably wearing a flat cap and gurning  

As the audience applaud him for the trite catchphrase. 

Now, if there was some indication as to the variety of cheese –  

If I could have it known that this isn’t your processed “Cheddar” 

Or your lacking in taste Red Leicester 

But a full-on fricking Roquefort, 

Matured so long that the maggots are crawling, 

Then maybe I’d accept the term. 

Maybe. 

I had a friend once whose password prompt 

Was Quel Fromage? 

And I liked that, because of the element of choice. 

What’ll I be today? 

How very ripe is my mood? 

Is the niff strong enough to make the paintwork curdle? 

Although, I have to admit, 

When “cheesed off”, 

The question I most need to hear is 

Mais quel fromage associer à quelle bière? 



Mike Hickman (@MikeHicWriter) is a writer from York, England. He has written for Off the Rock Productions (stage and audio), including 2018’s “Not So Funny Now” about Groucho Marx and Erin Fleming. He has recently been published in EllipsisZine, Dwelling Literary, Bandit Fiction, Nymphs, Flash Fiction Magazine, Brown Bag, and Red Fez. His co-written, completed six-part BBC radio sit com remains frustratingly as unproduced as it was the last time he updated this biography. So here it is, line by [almost] line (Part Five): “You see, due to the endless stream of crude innuendoes levelled at our fine Upper Cocking Mangelwurzel, and its unfortunate close association with countryside and countryfolk, the self-respecting Upper Cocking residents have vowed never to let one be seen within the confines of the county again. Indeed, should one be found within the confines of the Greater Cock, the owner will be reported to the authorities and prosecuted to the very extremes of the law. If not a great deal worse.” “Will the East Wing fall down again?” “Very likely, ma’am.”