My Name Is Inigo Montoya, You Spilled My Coffee, Prepare To Die

You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you, but you spilled my morning coffee. I would rather die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces than go a single morning without my coffee.  You’re sorry? Come now. We are men of action. Lies do not become us. I’m exhausted and feel as though I’m in the pit of despair. Every morning, I stop at the Dread Pirate Coffee Shop because I like the atmosphere and you know how to roast the beans. You used to be my favorite barista in the kingdom. Typically, I would sooner destroy a stained-glass window than an artist such as yourself, but that changed the moment you spilled my coffee. I’m afraid I must now dedicate my entire life to your destruction. From now on, I am only waiting around to kill you, which does put a damper on our relationship. 

Why would you hand the coffee to my left hand? You know that I am not left-handed! Your slogan is, “Family coffee, family shop.” Family? You keep on saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. I’m somewhat of a coffee connoisseur, which is why I appreciate your coffee being served as hot as the fire swamp. Today, however, it is all over my arm. It was meant to be a simple transaction. I gave you the money, and you were supposed to simply hand me one, Andre-sized, hot coffee. I didn’t think I needed to employ Bonetti’s defense. Boo! BOO! BOOOO!!!

You swore to me on the sword of my father Domingo Montoya, I would reach the bottom of this mug. There’s not a lot of money in revenge, so I’m leaving for work now, but keep in mind, you have my word as a Spaniard that I will return and exact my revenge. Maybe a little iocane powder makes its way into your coffee. Just wait and see. 

Life is pain. Anyone who tells you differently is selling somethi- what’s that? You’ll give me a new coffee for free? Oh, well thank you. Stop being so dramatic? As you wish. 

Nathan Alexander loves humor. He lives in Kentucky with his tortoise, dog, and wife. He hates running but does it for the health benefits. He has been published in Slackjaw and Points In Case. Twitter: @NuthanMan

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