It has got to be done. 

Fieri knows his dives, so why not launch him at the divas? 

Yeah, they’ve got crunch, they say, 

and they play with the big boys, they say, 

so why not the Gangster Mayor of Spicy Wings himself? 

The man with the platinum grenade on his bicep 

(get ‘em guessing what else they might find, 

if only they could look). 

If they play with the big boys, let ‘em play with this big boy. 

Let their natural spices be counterbalanced with Fieri fortification, 

‘cos you’ve not lived until you’ve gone full Triple D, 

and you can talk to that camera with your mouth full, 

and correct the chef’s recipe at the same time 

as you’ve got your hands deep in a mix 

that’s somewhere north of the Carolina Reaper on the Scoville Scale. 

They think they’re firey? 

Try them mixed with Fieri. 

Try seeing if they can pronounce Fieri. 

And watch those ratings soar. 

‘course, once he’s done and the Fieri-works are over, 

they’ll still be giving it the attitude and the expletives, 

but that’s okay –  

The Network can send Gordon Ramsay in next. 

Let’s see how that goes. 



Mike Hickman (@MikeHicWriter) is a writer from York, England. He has written for Off the Rock Productions (stage and audio), including 2018’s “Not So Funny Now” about Groucho Marx and Erin Fleming. He has recently been published in EllipsisZine, Dwelling Literary, Bandit Fiction, Nymphs, Flash Fiction Magazine, Brown Bag, and Red Fez. His co-written, completed six-part BBC radio sit com remains frustratingly as unproduced as it was the last time he updated this biography. So here it is, line by [almost] line (Part Nine): “If she wants to turn the manor into a castle to impress some Russian bloke, that’s got nothing to do with me. At least she’s got you to do the plastering, Hives.” “Yeah, you’ve got to admit his rebuilding of Windsor Castle that time was terribly good.”