It’s time to get that sexy hunk of ghost meat off your sofa and into the never-ending abyss where it belongs! Sure, it might be tempting to have that shirtless glistening stud crash at your place until he’s needed for a Lord of the Rings-style ghost war, but think again! The ghost of 1980s Hollywood Icon, Patrick Swayze, might seem adorable at first but letting even one of these critters in your home can lead to a syndicated sitcom in no time! A single Patrick Swayze ghost can attract a swarm of B-list ghost actors, as these lesser ghosts are naturally attracted to the star power, bravado, and syrup secreted by the Swayze ghost. And while the delicious oaky notes of Swayze syrup might sound appealing, it’s no good if you have to ingest it in front of a live studio ghost audience. But don’t worry! Follow these steps, and in no time, you’ll be telling your Patrick Swayze apparition to roundhouse kick rocks.
Begin by destroying ALL arts and crafts supplies in your home. Really. All of them! There’s a common misconception that Swayze ghosts only love pottery wheels, but sadly this is not the case. Patrick Swayze ghosts are attracted to all types of arts and crafts. Even something as simple as a glue stick can have a ghostly Swayze figure whispering sweet nothings into your ear for hours on end. At first, the whisper seems careless, as if meant for someone with guilty feet, the likes of which have no rhythm, but soon it will turn into a full-blown Roadhouse monologue. And everybody knows that listening to Roadhouse monologues will ruin your focus and make your pottery game go to shit, so get those arts and crafts supplies out!
Once you’ve removed all arts and crafts supplies from your home, your Swayze ghost will become bored and clinically depressed. This is good! Reinforce this feeling by comparing him to more successful, scarier ghosts like Bruce Willis or Forest Whitaker.
Now that your Swayze ghost is thoroughly dejected, write a screenplay for Point Break 2 and text it to Keanu Reeves. If your screenplay is good, Keanu should reply with something along the lines of “Excellent. Let’s read through it while nibbling on cured meat.” To this, you should reply, “Come over for some smoked bologna ;)”, and Keanu will drop what he’s doing and head to your home immediately. Now that Keanu is on the way, go ahead and prepare that charcuterie tray for when he arrives, just like you would for Polish Santa Clause. I use smoked bologna in mine, but you can use mortadella if you prefer Italian bologna. Be sure and let your Swayze ghost help you with preparing your tray, as nothing brings The Ghost of Patrick Swayze out of a deep depression quite like discs of spiced meats.
Now grind up all that charcuterie meat and work with your Swayze ghost to shape it into a tower, leaving it hollow in the center as if it were going to be filled with a greasy stripper. But we’re not filling ours with strippers lubricated in meat drippings; nope, we’re stuffing ours with the plain ole’ ghost of Patrick Swayze! And while it might be tempting to make this meat tower using a pottery wheel, DON’T DO IT! Remember, no arts and crafts supplies in the home! Just pat out that meat husk the old-fashioned way and fill it with a whole ghost, just like a possessed Hot Pocket.
With your Swayze ghost firmly nestled in your sculpture of meat sin, all you have to do now is wait for Keanu to arrive. As the bologna sweat fills the air in your kitchen like a Warsaw bologna bakery on Christmas Eve, take a deep breath. Take it all in.
After basking in bologna fumes for approximately 72 hours, Keanu will kick down your door and threaten you with violence. At this point, your Swayze ghost will burst forth from his charcuterie prison and rejoice at the sight of his former costar. He and Keanu will hug and tussle about affectionately in a puddle of pork oil, in a display similar to a bout of Turkish Oil Wrestling. After this public display of affection, Keanu and your Swayze ghost will immediately steal your script and run away together to begin shooting the reboot of America’s favorite movie about surf criminals. Now you’ve successfully banished your Swayze ghost, and you have enough meat tower to last you through winter! All that’s left to do is caulk any exposed ghost holes around the perimeter of your home, and viola, you can rest easy knowing your home will be free of The Ghost of Patrick Swayze for days to come!
Craig Williams is a comedian and software developer based in Alabama, the land of mayonnaise-based barbecue. His writing has been featured in Hackernoon and recipes for mayonnaise-based barbecue.