We would like to advise you of an upcoming project that probably won’t interfere much with your day-to-day lives. Starting Monday, construction crews will be on-site as we begin to convert your upscale, residential building into the Death Star.
Our board reviewed many options for our vacant apartments and ultimately decided that crafting the most powerful weapon from Star Wars in the building you call home is a much better option than lowering rent. We are not thinking of ourselves and how much more money this could generate for our portfolios. We are only thinking only of you. We’d rather invest millions of dollars to turn this building into a landmark exhibit than lower your monthly expenses so you can better afford to stay in your home. And you’re going to love the result! Imagine telling people you live in the Death Star building! The minor changes to your routine for a few short months will be well worth it.
For residents of apartments directly below the installation of the gigantic moon-like Death Star, yes, you might find debris from your ceiling in your morning coffee. We are pretty sure most of the demoed material does not contain asbestos. The money that the lab wanted to charge us to test samples fell outside our construction budget. If you are concerned, we recommend ordering coffee at Starbucks instead — if you can still afford the cost of a cup of coffee these days.
For residents of apartments directly above, you might suddenly find that your floor gives way as you cross your living room while we construct the orb shape. Therefore, we have installed a harness system in each apartment that you should wear at all times while at home, just in case you slip and find yourself in the middle of the half-completed droid lab where we have relocated the building’s super after he complained a “stairwell” was not proper living space.
Elevator Bank 2 will be closed as the hyperdrive motivators are installed. For all residents living on the 4th floor, please use Elevator Bank 1 and select the button for the roof. Then, please follow the arrows to the outdoor scaffolding and wait for one of our hired men in Storm Trooper costumes, who will guide you to your apartment window for entry. Please do not ask these individuals about their current housing arrangements. But if you must know, they live in the homeless shelter across the street.
Expect interruptions in general plumbing as water is rerouted to make way for the installation of the Death Star’s popular Combat Arena. For bathing, our advertising agency is supplying us with Death Star-branded shower curtains made specifically to fit your apartment’s exterior, street-facing fire escape, for convenient, private showering outdoors. Water jugs will be supplied once daily as a reminder that we still care about you.
Instead of using your toilets, you may pee and poop directly into your garbage shoots, until we start floating and lose gravitational pull. At that time, you may head to the former gym/future Overstation area where you can try to secure a key to one of our bathrooms. But just so you know, our latrines have been outfitted with the Galaxy’s Dianogas, whose tentacles and sharp teeth are known to attack one’s ass. But this is still better than having to pee in a Subway station, are we correct?
In order to test the ability of the Death Star to simulate an explosion in preparation for our Opening Day celebrations, we must cease all continuous airflow in the building. For heat, we are providing wearable @Deathstar blankets. For cooling, morgue-style refrigerators will be placed in the general location of the former basement. These amenities are for residents only. Not for the guy sitting on the ground around the corner who is saving up to get back on his feet.
As thanks for your patience during this time, each unit will receive one (1) voucher for 20% off a ticket to the Death Star which may be used anytime after our VIP opening night. A value way more generous than giving you 20% off your rent.
Rochelle writes things that people laugh at even when she’s trying to be dead serious. She’s not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. www.rochellelana.com