The midsummer sun wavers high in the sky above as the world plunges into darkness. We live during a low point of human history.
Thankfully, I’m getting drunk on a Norwegian blueberry beer that’s as dark as the 2020s.
At a worthy 11.9% ABV, my journey shall be quick, sweet, and fueled by the ripe fermentation of Mother Jord’s supreme antioxidant and the usual suspects of barley, hops, and yeast.
Thor is a lousy father.
I do not participate in disco dancing. Yet I do participate in Death by Disco, as the label decrees I must. My fate shall be to hang myself from the windswept tree of Haand Bryggeriet’s mystic brewing prowess as this stout’s wisdom seeps deeper and deeper into my bloodstream.
I wish the bottle was bigger. The dark liquid redemption did not even fill my pint glass. Where is the head?
The mouthfeel is both bold and robust.
When I speak of heads and mouthfeels, my mind turns to ancient fertility rites. May Frey stay forever firm in his primal manhood and may Freyja forever guard her treasured necklace from flies and fleas alike.
I have mixed feelings about mythological dwarves.
I need another sip.
The blueberry blends with the rich malt for a surprisingly easy drinking concoction worthy of the storied dance halls of Asgard. I am ready to board a longship and listen to The KFL’s rousing rendition of ancient Vinlandian discovery. Might I ask you: what time is love?
The world is ending.
And so is my drink. I have slurped the tasty, sweet nectar as though it were the life-giving milk of the primordial cow herself. I reiterate: at just 11.2 ounces, the bottle is not big enough. I need at least a pint to face the coming of Ragnarök. More than a pint would be even better.
I understand why Odin drinks himself unto oblivion.
Rowdy Geirsson unsuccessfully attempts to promote Leif Erikson awareness and barely maintains Scandinavian Aggression, a mediocre blog about Vikings. He is the editor of Norse Mythology for Bostonians and is a regular contributor to Metal Sucks, McSweeney’s, Points in Case, and Slackjaw. Follow him on Twitter @RGeirsson, or don’t.