Tim Robinson’s a Madman

The first time I ever saw a Tim Robinson skit was on the Netflix show Characters.  Not that you care, but I wanted to tell you that.  Or maybe you do care, I’m not sure, but I’m a natural overthinker so, it’s hard for me to decide and frankly, you’re starting to piss me off so let’s just move on.  Cool?  Great.

Characters was a first of its kind show where 8 separate comedians were given their own episode with free reign.  I was supposed to be given an episode, but there were some contractual issues I can’t legally discuss, but really it was a shame.  After all, Cheryl Borkowski agrees I would have been a great fit.  That’s my Mom in case there was any confusion.

Tim’s episode kicks off with him at a casino doing his best Frank Sinatra.  It’s hard to describe his sort of talk/singing shtick so you’ll have to stop putting such heavy expectations on my descriptions and watch the fucking skit.  Basically, he’s a high roller who buys a patron a filet mignon, tips a waiter 1,000 dollars and (somehow) charmingly says to another man looking at his date, “Eyes off the merchandise pal, the ladies spoken for.”  Then he struts to the craps cable and immediately loses 50 grand.  

The mental breakdown that follows is the life blood of the skit and easily the greatest breakdown I’ve ever seen in real life or fiction.  The only true 2nd I can think of is Wolverine bursting out of a tank after they shove Adamantiumn in him, but that was more sexy in a “woah who’s the hottie in that tank,” kind of way than funny.  At least that’s what my ex said – that bitch. 

Tim accuses his date of jinxing him, he demands his thousand dollar tip back and he gives the heimlich maneuver to the “fat fuck” he bought a steak for so he can eat it.  He also tries to sell his toupee and he even tries to sell his date for 1,000 dollars in which anything is on the table including, for whatever reason, ripping her teeth out.

Check out a snippet of this absurd mental breakdown here.

Now that we’ve enjoyed a nice mental breakdown as an appetizer let’s move onto revenge from Tim Robinson’s own show – I Think You Should Leave.

This skit features an angry man confronting Tim because decades earlier Tim as an infant cried throughout an international flight.  In a word, relatable.  He even confesses to digging through Tim’s trash to find his airline information revealing a large gash on his hand acquired from, you guessed it, a rat bite.  You know, your average run of the mill rat confrontation in a longstanding enemy’s trash.  Honestly, I have probably watched this skit 3,000 times and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t secretly aspire to memorize and execute this furious monologue in similar fashion.  It is not to be missed my fellow revenge seeking friends.

My final Tim Robinson skit recommendation if you’re still somehow reading this instead of watching the skits (that wasn’t an insult, I swear) brings us to a final display of revenge in motion.  Tim goes shopping for a gun and each time he holds a new gun he gives an imagined, confrontational monologue related to the many “paint jobs” he left behind in bathrooms. 

In a way, it’s the skit all of us toilet cloggers needed.  For example, I studied abroad in Italy and one time we went to an EDM festival.  Honestly, I don’t love EDM besides my wife’s music of course (hi honey! Just telling another story about almost shitting my pants, but I linked your music!) and midway into the festival I knew I was shitting my pants or finding a bathroom.  The only bathroom I was quickly able to find was in the back of a nearby bar.  After ten minutes, I knew I was in trouble as intense stomach cramps continued to brew. I was in line for a journey of continuous, periodic evacuations or really constipated diarrhea.  In other words, I wasn’t leaving the toilet anytime soon.  No folks, I have no issues committing to a toilet, but for those of you beautiful people out there that live a life of ghost wipes and fast poops, let this help you understand how hemorrhoids develop.  Not that I have hemorrhoids, but that’s what I’ve heard.  I bet you’re wondering how we went from Tim Robinson to me shitting my pants. Your lack of faith is disturbing.  We’ll get back to the honorable Mr. Robinson soon.

The worst part was, I could hear people waiting outside the bathroom.  Then I heard a knock on the door that was so definitively irritated that it makes me shudder to this day.  I don’t know who knocked, but if I had to guess it was an annoyed manager that either needed to go to the bathroom or had come across many situations where people were doing drugs in the bathroom or you know, shitting forever.  So, if I had a gun I was pointing amid my own Tim Robinson-esque paint jobs, it would be at the Italian bar manager that just HAD to knock like a mad person while I was doing a paint job in the bar stall. Enjoy my friends.

Seth Borkowski is a New York-based writer who enjoys writing about dating, self-improvement, sports and the challenges of growing older as a millennial. You can read more of his work at sethborkowski.com.

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