Tremendous Irma’s Bowling Emporium

Welcome to Tremendous Irma’s Bowling Emporium, an institution just off the I-72, that appeared one rainy Tuesday afternoon. Home of the world famous haunted gutters!

Join us the first Friday of the month for our Disco Fever night when your favourite deceased stars from the 1970s get the joint hopping. Please note the schedule is always subject to change as we are at the whim of the inscrutable spirit realm.

The pins float on Tuesdays! (But the balls are twice as heavy.)

Rental shoes are required, and some of the shoes are cursed! Half of the cursed shoes will shrivel your feet into black husks. The other half will leave you with a beautiful pedicure. Try your luck with Denise at the rental counter.

We still don’t know what’s in the ball cleaner, but it does bite. Hard.

Visit us on Saturdays when time bends around itself and you can finish your game in seconds.

Our cook’s been dead for seven years, but that doesn’t stop him from making the best grill-top burger you’ve ever had (at a bowling alley).

Don’t look in the bathroom mirrors, no matter how much they plead.

The satanic seance runs every Sunday night starting at 7:30pm, despite all our attempts to stop it.

Free game on your birthday!

Two free games on your death day (Karl can tell).

We can’t do anything about the suffocating ennui that patrons develop after bowling on lane 7, so that lane is 15% off on Wednesdays.

On March 26, 1972, Clements Gunderson bowled a perfect game and was immediately swallowed by a hell pit that opened between lanes 11 and 12 where he was celebrating his victory by dancing a crude Tarantella. There have been no perfect games since.

Speaking of Tarantellas, we think you’ll be pleasantly horrified when you discover where the family of deadly Brazilian Wandering Spiders has made their nest. And you will discover it.

And what about those haunted gutters we’re so famous for? They’re unpredictable and ruled by a spirit of chaotic evil, but we do know that if you get a gutter ball during frame 2 of your game, you will be going home with a poltergeist.

While it isn’t prohibited, we think it goes without saying that you should never bring children to Tremendous Irma’s under any circumstances.

So come visit us for top-notch bowling and great grub! We’re open 365 days a year, but closed on February 29th each leap year because we just can’t stop the scorpions.

Amy Neufeld is a perfectly fine person who lives, works, knits, and writes in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada. She has one husband, one calico cat, and two daughters. She writes plays, novels, and short stories. Follow her quest to become a River Phoenix Movie Completist at Amy has been published in Daily Drunk Magazine, Frazzled, Little Old Lady Comedy, and has written for CBC Radio’s “The Irrelevant Show”. Find her on Twitter @AmyRNeufeld.

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