ROMO: “Wow, Jim, it’s a star-studded night, here in San Francisco’s Palace of Fine Arts, as ballers gather to honor the league’s highest achievers. I’m here in the booth with my bestie Jim Nantz, looking dapper for tonight’s ceremony.”

NANTZ: “You’re looking good yourself there, Tony. I remember the first time I saw the NFL Honors, it was with my father, I couldn’t have been more than ten…”

ROMO: “Oh, sorry to cut you off there Jim, but it looks like we’re underway. Actor and Mad Men star Jon Hamm has just walked out onto the stage to begin the event, looks like he may have stumbled a little with those slick shoes.”

NANTZ: “Yeah, you gotta watch those Hamm-strings on a stage that shiny.”

ROMO: “Oh, Jim, you’re terrible!”

NANTZ: “I see Andy Reid at the back table. How did he get in?”

ROMO: “Way to read the zone, Jim. Looks like Hamm has taken the podium after surveying the audience. Good check down, good foot work, looks like that Hamm-string isn’t going to be an issue.”

HAMM: “What an honor to be here with you tonight, celebrating our beloved sport. I have the distinct honor of awarding the league’s most coveted recognition, the Walter Payton Golden Glove Award for the NFL’s most talented Tush-Pusher. Tonight, we will recognize a player who’s gone above and beyond in redefining the Tush-Push both on and off the field. A man whose unyielding dedication to ass-related short-yardage gain is beyond reproach. A man whose powerful grab and surge technique has captured the hearts of sports fans from New England to Arizona, Seattle to Miami. A man whose disregard for safety, fairness and homosexual jokes has spun much controversy. To a man who equates NFL Love with Brotherly Shove and, by God, gets the job done. It is my deepest honor, a memory I will cherish forever, to present tonight’s Walter Payton Golden Glove Award to Buffalo Bills fullback, Reggie Gilliam.”

ROMO: “Wow, Jim, let’s look at the AWS instant replay –  if you look here, you can see a tear forming at the right side of Hamm’s eye. That’s good hosting folks, that’s what it takes to compete on the world’s stage.  Notice his feet, he’s got a balanced base, wider than shoulder-width to generate power. With 80% of his weight on that back foot, he can easily glide into a 3/5/7-set drop and get a perfectly round teardrop in that eye. Really impressive.”

NANTZ: “Tony, the audience is responding. Have you ever heard a crowd cheer so loud? I’m being told we’re hitting decibels of around 140,  on par with Arrowhead.”

ROMO: “Just spectacular, really touching. I’m moved to see the NFL community come together this way. What a treat for us, Jim.”

GILLIAM: “I didn’t think I was going to win this award. I’ll be honest, I almost didn’t come tonight. It always goes to some Eagles butty-boy, am I right Kelce? Yeah, you know. I want to thank a boring insurance company first, and my family next. I’d like to thank my Dad especially. He’s a courageous man who doesn’t always get the recognition he deserves for training me, since I was six, on tush-pushing. I wouldn’t be here tonight without his sacrifices. His words: Grab d’at ass, Don’t part anything but the line, Spread the defense, not the cheeks, still rings through my head when I’m on the field. This is for you, Dad. I’d like to thank the NFL for looking the other way on much-needed rules. I took Josh’s posterior 19 yards in one play this year, breaking the record, and with the league’s continuous refusal to adopt new rules, I think we can break that record next year. [voice cracks with emotion] And of course, I’d like to thank Josh Allen. [crowd cheers, dramatic pause] What can I say about Josh’s buns? Yeah, Haille knows what I’m talking about, don’t you girl? [laughter erupts] Firm, muscular, manageable size. A good, solid surface to grip, but not too chunky. Somewhere between Patrick Mahomes’ petite buttocks and Lamar Jackson’s some-some-some of that cinna-bun. I’m truly grateful for all the love and support. The fans, the team, the league. Josh’s rump and I are just getting started.

NANTZ: “Wow, Tony, what a class act.”

ROMO: “Totally, Jim. I thought I might have to be taken to tent there for a minute. Folks at home, there’s not a dry eye in house.”

NANTZ: “I’m being told that the longest tush-push on record, prior to Gilliam’s 19-yarder this year, was by Gay Gayerson of the Cleveland Browns in 1984, against the Los Angeles Rams, of all teams.”

ROMO: “You don’t say. Fascinating, Jim.”

NANTZ: “Tony, as a former quarterback, what is it like to be on the receiving end of the tush-push?”

ROMO: “Well, Jim, you know, I was gone before it became popular, but I always thought it was an impactful play. When I was with the Cowboys, Tashard Choice was our go-to guy, backed up by tight end Jason Witten. Tashard would grab my ass, and Jason grabbed Tashard’s, and it was a real brouhaha down in the scrum.” NANTZ: “I’m being told we’re out of time. For Tony Romo and all our crew, I’m Jim Nantz. So long, everybody.”

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Candi Joneth is a writer; living, researching and writing from the cold coast of Maine. She is a master’s candidate in Creative Writing and Literature from Harvard. She has published over 200 news articles, over 50 features, for three newspapers. She uses humor to release tension and engage humanity.