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“Can I help you, sir?”
“I want a California king Stearns & Foster® Lux Estate Elite mattress,” said Cthulhu.
“I can see you’re a batwinged-octopus-demon-telepath of exquisite taste. Have you considered a Hästens Grand Vividus® ?”
“I just want the California king Stearns & Foster® Lux Estate Elite.”
“Yes, yes, of course, but have you tried the Hästens Grand Vividus®? It’s made of all-natural fibers: horsehair, alpaca and cashmere, by intergenerational, blind, vegan monks in the Swiss Alps.”
“No. Hastur has one of those. Just give me the California king Stearns & Foster® Lux Estate Elite or I will bestow chaos and darkness upon the world.”
“Well, sir, if it’s a matter of cost,” said the MattressEXPERIENCE Ambassador® while tapping the screen of his iPad, “we offer the industry’s leading finance packages, and with a little information…”
“It’s not a matter of cost. I just want to buy a mattress. Do you have any idea of the peril you risk by keeping me awake? I’m very sleepy.”
“Hey, who isn’t sleepy, am I right…”
“Look, you twit, I’m #TheGreatOldOne, #HighPriest, #TheSleeperOfR’lyeh. Give me my mattress or I will unleash madness-inducing worldwide destruction.”
“Uh-huh. Has anyone explained the enhanced PressureRELIEF® system, and the StayCOOL®, sustainably® sourced®, AirVENTS® for® increased® airflow®…”
“I EXIST IN NON-EUCLIDEAN GEOMETRY! I get your rudimentary tech.”
“Okay, okay. Let’s just RingYouUP® then. Now, for delivery, will we need to haul off an old mattress?”
“Yes.”
“And where are we delivering to?”
“The blackest abyss of the sea.”
“Oh, I’m going to have to check with my ManagerFIRM® about that. I’m not sure how to enter that in the computer. Will there be any stairs?”
“Stairs? There are no stairs to the abyss.”
“Okay, so, Mr. Chaka Khan… people say that all the time, then our drivers get there and sure enough—stairs. So, I just want to let you know, there may be additional fees.”
“THERE ARE NO STAIRS TO THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN!”
“Um, okay. Have you measured the space?”
“What space?”
“The space where your new mattress will go, to make sure it fits.”
“I LIVE… AT THE BOTTOM… OF THE OCEAN.”
“Right. I just need to confirm your SleepPOSITION® or the system won’t let me complete YourORDER®. Mr. Chequamegon, would you say you usually sleep on your side? Stomach? Back?”
“Just pick one.”
“Well, Mr. Cuthualuffa, it is important that we fit you to the proper mattress, to ensure we’ve avoided SleepDISRUPTORS®. Has anyone told you that you snore? Do you wake up with batwing pain? Do you get too squamous when you sleep?”
“No.”
“Uh-huh, initial here. This just says that you are declining our sleep® diagnostic® services®.”
“What the fuck is that?”
“Dude, I’m glad you’re interested. Our patented MattressMATCHER®, part of our full platform® of® BedMATCH® guiding® tools® works to match you with the perfect mattress in any given price category.”
“Oh, for fucks sake, yes, I waive the sleep diagnostic service.” Cthulhu scribbles eldritch initials.
“If it’s a matter of time, sir, you can take our free online BEDstead® quiz any time before delivery to change your order. Though it might delay delivery and will certainly cost me a commission.”
“TAKE MY MONEY. DELIVER MY MATTRESS.” Cthulhu points all eight tentacles at the object of purchase.
“Of course, sir, as you wish. Just a few more screens. I have to read this disclaimer: Our certified SleepMASTER® SleepPERTS® log over 200 hours annually staying up to date with the latest in sleep technology…”
“Let me stop you there. Do you see that man over there, looks like Hastur?”
“No.”
“The King in Yellow?”
“The what?”
“Goddammit, the man in the yellow shirt. Do you see the man in the yellow shirt?”
“Yes.”
Cthulhu stares into the depths of the man’s soul. His head explodes like a watermelon. Patrons run screaming for the exits, each dappled with a bit of the man’s head stuck to their Sunday bests. “Now, TAKE MY FUCKING MONEY AND DELIVER MY FUCKING MATTRESS.”
“Of course, Mr. Caligula. My ManagerFIRM® has processed your payment. You should be all set. Now, you mentioned you live in the abysmal zone. What are you thinking about for mattress protection?”
“Abyssal. I live in the abyssal zone.” Cthulhu explodes another head—this time, a woman in the snack room.
“Never mind. Just the PillowTHEN®?”
“Pillow?”
“Yes, studies show that the pillow is one-third of the Total® Sleep® System®. We just need to get you FIRMfitted®.”
“I will eat your children.”
“Oh, I don’t have any children. Not married. Don’t even have a girlfriend. How about you? Is there a Mrs. Canandaigua?”
Three more heads explode. Blood floods the showroom. Cthulhu’s guttural laugh pervades.
“You will suffer immense pain.”
“Well, then, Mr. Conshohocken, you’re good to go. Delivery is scheduled for tomorrow between 4:00 a.m. and midnight. All of us here wish you the BestSLEEP®. If you wouldn’t mind, I would appreciate you taking our brief customer service survey.”
“I will not.”
“Then, at least pose at our SelfieFIRM® station. Post it to your socials, watch the female batwinged-octopus-she-demons come running.”
“You mean like on ://onlyfans?”
“Totally.”
“Yeah, alright.”
Candi Joneth is a writer; living, researching and writing from the cold coast of Maine. She is a master’s candidate in Creative Writing and Literature from Harvard. She has published over 200 news articles, over 50 features, for three newspapers. She uses humor to release tension and engage humanity.
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