Dear Keith J. Carborundum, Esq.,

I found your firm’s name near the middle of our city’s annual “Top Ten” list of law practices. I’m sure you’re a busy attorney but I want to voice some concerns in regard to my ongoing victimization by a long-term repository of injustice and suspected criminality. If you’re interested, perhaps we can meet and I’ll explain my situation in detail. I have abundant files of notes, available in both hard copy and electronic storage media.

My case: I’ve patronized the same barber ever since my first haircut when I was three years old; as an adult I always pay at the completion of service and leave a modest annual gratuity. I say modest because it’s not as if the barber leaves the shop to provide his barbering. Despite my loyal support and reasonable generosity, the establishment’s business practices demonstrate nothing more than deceptive, unethical behavior.  

Here are a few examples of issues for which I seek legal redress:

*At no time have I been offered a hot towel around my face.

*I never once received a straight-razor shave.

*Even with all the dusting and brushing, the clippings make my neck itch.

*Instead of filling the room with banter about manly subjects like beef, small block Chevy engines, and the female anatomy, my barber and his other customers mostly stay quiet.

*Although my barber’s hands should smell clean and soapy, they reek of cigarettes and Taco Bell.

*The girlie magazines are there somewhere, I’m positive they are, but I haven’t seen one yet.

*I still don’t know my barber’s name. Frank? Joe? Gilberto? Manfred? He’s never asked for mine.

*My barber never volunteers to return my cut hair — in fact, it’s usually mixed with other customers’ clippings (which is disgusting, in and of itself) on the floor (even worse). If he is selling my detached body parts, I believe I am due a share of the profits.

*In a bizarre repudiation of his profession’s precepts, my barber is bald as hell. How can he suppress his jealousy when he trims my luxuriant mane? The threat is overt. I am in danger.

*Where does the rotating stripe go after it climbs to the top of the pole?

I wish to pursue litigation. The other attorneys I’ve contacted told me they don’t practice this kind of law, whatever that means. If you can be of assistance, please reply ASAP. Thank you.

Yours very truly,

S. David Manpile

Michael Grant Smith wears sleeveless T-shirts, weather permitting. His writing appears in other publications. He is neither aerodynamic nor buoyant. Michael resides in Ohio. He has traveled to Hong Kong, Shanghai, and Cincinnati. To learn too much about Michael, please visit www.michaelgrantsmith.com/plenty-of-words and @MGSatMGScom.