I Eat A Sausage McMuffin Everyday

Under our capitalist system no matter what you consume you are in some way adding to the destruction of the entire planet, this is why it’s ok I eat a Sausage McMuffin everyday. Many people attempt to appease their guilt about living under capitalism and being complicit in its crimes and destruction by going vegan, eating healthy or being a good person but they are lying to themselves. They need to recognize that until we dismantle capitalism completely and give everyone the means to eat healthy our personal choices do not matter, and it’s totally ok to eat a sausage McMuffin everyday. 

These people who think they are better than the lowly serfs who eat fast food because they’re trying to help our planet, or be better people are actually more out of touch than people like me who eat Sausage McMuffins everyday and refuse to change any of our behavior until we abolish capitalism. I know full well the extent to which McDonald’s has damaged the environment, abused animals and mistreated it’s workers but unlike the liars and cowards who boycott McDonald’s and companies like it I am able to understand that there is no ethical consumption under capitalism therefore I can, and should, eat a delicious sausage McMuffin everyday. 

It is not easy to know the heart-breaking truths about corporations like McDonald’s and still consume their delicious products. That is why everyday I, like many of my fellow workers, must make the calculated, practical decision whether or not to continue consuming mouth watering McDonald’s Sausage McMuffins. So far, everyday I have decided that it tastes really good and even small companies are unethical so it’s fine. Sure, I could switch to eating a vegan muffin, or some sort of oats every morning but I would only be lying to myself. I would be pretending that this would in some way better the world when all I would really be doing is appeasing my own guilt and bettering my own life in a practical way. I am sick of the lies, and the elitism of people who look down on working class adjacent people like me for eating McDonald’s every single day.  

Life on Earth may soon be coming to an end. Climate change and the destruction of our land and seas is happening all around us and your “noble” “helpful” decision to eat organic and try to better yourself is delusional. My choice to eat a sausage McMuffin everyday is honest, working class and delicious. You know nothing of what life is like for the plebs you turn your nose at when you order an oat milk latte or a salad for breakfast. We are not your play things!

We demand our tasty treats until the world has justice, until the world has equality, then we may begin to have a conversation about the long-term viability of a system that churns out McMuffins everyday. Until then, I say let the people who are suffering have their relief, let me have my McMuffin.

Those who scoff at the McMufin are cowards. They dare not question their own bias towards the mental masturbation that is eating organic and going green while the whole world is burning regardless. You Sir, are not a man of the people. The people need their McMuffins, I need my McMuffin, it is all we have in this cruel, thankless world. And until we topple the American capitalist system, until we liberate the world and create one anew it is only right that we should live in this world honestly. It is not honest to go vegan, to shop local, to get your finances in order. No, socialism must be for the people and the people, like me, love sausage McMuffins!

Danny Neary is a Chicago based comedian and writer originally from Columbus Ohio. He’s the creator of the web series Long Term and is a founding member of the improv group Steve Dayjobs and the sketch comedy group No Refunds. He runs the satire website for Lit Comedy, and his writing can also be seen on The Satirist, Flexxmag, Littleoldlady Comedy, and more.

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