Excerpts of an Analysis of The Jane Biehn Theory

st on to the movie scene with roles in Buffy The Vampire Slayer (The Kristy Swanson version), and The Crow: City of Angels. But it was his role as Todd Parker; exotic dancer, porn star entourage, muscle car connoisseur, and coke addict, that solidified Jane as someone to watch. If his acting in Boogie Nights translated into a song title it would be “This cocaine makes me feel like I’m on this song,” by System of a Down.
Michael Biehn is an actor most people know only for his association with James Cameron (At one point, he was going to play Peter Parker when Cameron had the Spiderman franchise in his clutches) and yes, one of his better roles was in James Cameron’s The Abyss. As Hiram Coffee, he exhibited a wide array of acting chops, including my favorite scene in which he cuts himself like a sixteen year old fan of The Cure. However, his ultimate performance came as Johnny Ringo, the pistolero from Tombstone, who drank, twirled his gun, and had a freestyle battle in Latin.
Detractors (sponsored by The Gillette Company):
“… While implying that Michael Biehn’s best roles are in The Abyss and Tombstone, they woefully neglect both Aliens, and The Terminator; he was clean shaven in both…”
“… Finally, At no point does the ‘Theory’ mention anything about Burt Reynolds, arguably one of the more famous Mustache proprietors who ever graced the silver screen. In both The Longest Yard and Deliverance… HE WAS CLEAN SHAVEN…”

Andrew Davie received an MFA in creative writing from Adelphi University. He taught English in Macau on a Fulbright Grant. In June of 2018, he survived a ruptured brain aneurysm and subarachnoid hemorrhage. His other work can be found in links on his website: asdavie.wordpress.com

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