Or: A Quarantined Parent’s Slide into Insanity
Dr. Brown Bear: Intelligent. Responsible. Financially solvent. And a voice like butter that’s been slathered onto a toasty hunk of homemade bread because that’s what he probably does in his spare time, make homemade bread. He finds it helps relax him after a long day of handing out plasters and prescribing warm milk to children.
Grampy Rabbit: Unpredictable. Experienced. Most probably a freak in the sheets. He’s here for a good time, not a long time, Grampy Rabbit. An explorer and gonzo journalist type, he’d probably have you rattling around in the back of a moving truck or while hiding up a tree from crocodiles. And he’s not a bit worried about getting caught. It’s all a part of the deviant thrill.
Miss Rabbit: Industrious. Understanding. Flexible. Miss Rabbit never shies away from a challenge. She’s used to wearing a lot of hats and has been known to role-play. You know Miss Rabbit could have you between running the ice cream stall and the aquarium cafe without breaking a sweat.
Madame Gazelle: A former popstar. Educated. Mysterious. She lights candles and burns incense. She incorporates yoga and elements of tantric sex. I imagine she must take the lead – she is a teacher by nature after all. If you like being dominated, this is probably the French, vampiric, guitar-playing gazelle for you.
Captain Dog: Rugged. Brawny. A sailor who has sworn never to go to sea again. But why? Did he vow to reform and stay home after Mummy Dog learned he had a girl in every port? A deep unspoken sadness hangs about Captain Dog. And I just feel like I could be the one who makes him happy, you know?

Daddy Pig: Funny. World class puddle jumper. A good sport. You and the kids want to join him on his transcontinental business trip, effectively obliterating his company-mandated alone time? Ho, ho, why not? Doing a fun run to raise money to fix the school roof? A pleasure and a doddle. Do you know what’s sexier than a partner who’s willing to take the kids off your hands while you get a bit of work done? Fucking NOTHING. Zaddy Pig can sort you out and then make a lovely tomato salad for lunch.

Emily Draffen is a Midwesterner living in the South. She has written three plays and loves gin martinis. Follow her on Twitter @damedraffen.