Famously mischaracterized as a relaxing show, The Great British Bake Off is a tournament of pastry and bread, a fight to the tears (or handshake) waged only with flour, eggs, and the puns of its hosts. Soaring orchestral music accompanies such tension-filled moments as head judge Paul Hollywood announcing whether the dried fruit distribution in any given loaf is adequate. (It never is.) Now that their conquering days are behind them, the British get their kicks from watching their countrymen spend their weekends off making buns and bakes for an unforgiving overlord. (Not the Queen. Paul, again.) It’s perfect.

Mary Colussi is an NYC-based recent graduate and writer, mostly of humor and TV scripts but occasionally of fiction and encouraging texts to friends. She has been published in Sally Mag, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Points in Case.