1. A Graduation Announcement! Wow, is Julian excited? Is this a ‘thing?’ I had no idea parents are celebrating pre-school graduations! I don’t have kids, but I’ve heard about participation trophies and I’m sure Julian will appreciate the leg up in his self-esteem! But, hey, I love a party, which you know because Julian was the one who found me passed out on the grass, next to the community area, doing an impression of a half-naked lawn ornament, after I came home from that all-night rager. Again, I’m sorry, okay?
2. Processional March. It seems to me you could just skip this, although I don’t know what passes for childhood development education these days. But I’ve seen preschoolers on outings; they’re clinging to ropes like they’re part of a toddler chain gang. Which reminds me, will you be serving wine?
3. Pomp and Circumstance. I know it’s quite a coup to get the string quartet from Juilliard to play Pomp and Circumstance accompanied by a Fisher-Price Tap-a-Tune piano. I’m sure they’re super stoked about this gig! But listening to it for ninety minutes will have me digging out the acquired ear worm infestation with the sharp end of a pencil. KIDDING! Couldn’t we just play Baby Shark or It’s A Small World? Oops, EAR WORM!
4. Cap & Gown. You’re striving for authenticity here; Good for you! But isn’t this a little ‘over-the-top?’ Just a thought: how about a “Frozen II” prince or Princess dress? Oh, right; Elsa only inherited her powers from her patriarchal, privileged lineage, not through an actual job. Okay, how about a policeman? No? A cowboy? Shit. I give up.
5. Valedictorian speeches. How exciting that Julian will be reciting Snowball’s speech from “Animal Farm!” Or is it Snowflake? Personally, I would have selected a passage from “Old MacDonald” who actually had a farm. But I guess I was wrong when it comes to Julian’s barnyard favorites. E-i-e-i-oy vey! Btw, have you thought about juice boxes filled with wine?
6. Diplomas. Seriously? I’m sure cleaning up ‘wee’ from the imported Italian marble floors was a thankless job. It’s even harder cleaning it up from cheap linoleum, which is the only flooring I can afford. But are we now rewarding diplomas for basic human hygiene? Astro-physics or neuroscience I can understand. But your little snot nosed, butt-picker still wears Velcro shoes, for chrissake! Oh, I’m sorry, Julian wears YEEZY Velcro shoes. You people are BAT-SHIT CRAZY!
7. Light refreshments will be served. Well, thank god! And the fact that the tofu and vegan veggie rolls will be shaped like mortar boards and diplomas will not factor a bit in my decision not to attend. Vegan eats? How about NOBODY EATS?!
8. You want me to bring a gift?! Thank you for suggesting a membership to the Science Museum, Metropolitan Opera Summer Camp tuition, or tickets to Hamilton. How about a cardboard box?! I’d give you the one I got when I bought a Sub-Zero refrigerator for 5-yr old Evian, who just graduated from Mommy & Me class and is continuing her studies with the Macaron Workshop at Le Cordon Bleu, but I’m living in it!
So, no, I won’t be going to Julian’s fucking pre-school graduation. But here’s my check for $20. Consider it partial payment for the therapy session Julian will need after his graduation from kindergarten. And don’t forget to serve wine.
Nancy Franklin has recently been published in The Daily Drunk and Points In Case. She writes about life’s absurdities, wherever and whenever she finds them. She also likes wine. And flaming shots of tequila. Follow her on Twitter, @mirthquakes_.