Boil-in-Bag-O-Beef

Brian, the anthropomorphic Boil-in-Bag-O-Beef, lived in the bad part of Chest Freezer Nation and was destined for a miserable life because of this. He was the lone Bag-O-Beef in the Bag-O-Chicken neighborhood and shit wasn’t going well for him, like, at all. First of all, he was tossed, haphazard as fuck, from his comfortable digs in the packing box after it was removed from the freezer-truck. Then, he landed on a stack of other Bag-O-Beefs, right on top of his lover, Jill, which was alrighty indeed, but then he began to slide, his plastic being wet with condensation from a slight thawing as his packing box waited to be unpacked. Finally, he toppled off Jill and landed all mixed in with the Bag-O-Chickens and he never even got to say good-bye to his one and only. Now Todd (head Boil-in-Bag-O-Chicken who runs Chicken Town) says if our boy doesn’t do the fucking line of Verde Sauce, and quick, then he’s gonna spill his beefy brains all over Chicken Town and ship his beefy remains to Jill over in Beefville. Not ideal at all for Brian the Boil-in-Bag-O-Beef.

Verde Sauce had been discontinued at all Taco Bell restaurants due to lack of interest from customers and the trafficking, sale, and use of Verde Sauce was hella illegal in Chest Freezer Nation, but everyone knew the Bag-O-Chickens controlled the trade and that Todd controlled the Bag-O-Chickens. When Brian had first found himself lost in Chicken Town he was scared and he was alone and he would’ve done anything to get back to his one and only. He began talking to some of the lesser Bag-O-Chickens he was piled around and one particularly nice Bag-O-Chicken told him, “Todd can get you back to Jill, he’s the kind of Bag-O-Chicken that can get things done. Rumor has it that Todd was first unpacked way back before the Grand Opening (the Grand Opening was a mythical like event in the Bag-O-Verse that was little understood by the Bag-O-Chickens or the Bag-O-Beefs — sort of like the Big Bang), and was buried under all the Bag-O-Chickens that were unpacked with him. One by one they all were snatched and tossed into the Hell-Pool above, never to be seen again. It’s the fate of all Bag-O-Meat kind. But it is not Todd’s fate. He survived these long decades and grown strong on Verde Sauce. Talk to Todd.”

“Just like that, just walk up on Todd, the mythical Bag-O-Chicken that survived thirty years and the Great Crunch Wrap Massacre of 05, and say what, ‘Say, Todd, I know you’re a Boil-in-Bag-O-Chicken, and I’m a Boil-in-Bag-O-Beef, but I need to get back to Beefville and see my one and only, Jill, before she is snatched up and brought to the Hell-Pool above, where she will boil for our collective Beefy sins.’ C’mon, get real.”

“I mean, I don’t see as you have any real option, do you?”

“I guess not.”

There he sat, lounging in an old and broken lawn chair, the kind with the neon plastic strips which asses uncountable had stretched to their breaking point, and he was surrounded by his Verde Sauce pushing crew — fucking Todd. Brian approached him in supplication, bag corners folded in on each other in a gesture of begging, bag-head bowed slightly. Todd looked up at him with a smugness and disdain that set Brain the Boil-in-Bag-O-Beef’s teeth on edge, this was not going to go well. “Todd,” said Brian.

“Well, well, well, look what we have here, boys. If it ain’t a wayward Bag-O-Beef. Not so high and mighty, now, huh? Tell me, what is it that you want here Beef? No, let me guess you want so desperately to get out of Chicken Town that you are willing to do anything I ask to make that happen.”

“Well, I mean, yeah, kinda…”

“Fuck my wife.”

“What?”

“Fuck my wife, Beef.”

“I can’t… why would you want…”

“What, is she not pretty? do you not find her attractive? Look, her feeling are hurt, Beef. You come into my town, asking me for a favor, and you insult my wife by not jumping at the chance to make love to such a beautiful Bag-O-Chicken. What? Are you prejudiced? That’s it, you are one of those bigoted Bag-O-Beefs that thinks Bag-O-Chickens are below you; scum, dirt, and not worthy of your Beefy love. I knew you were prejudiced the second I laid eyes on you, Beef. I oughta kill you right here, man.”

“No, I mean, I’m not bigoted, I just… it’s just that… I got a one and only I’m trying to get back to, Jill, and she’s my heart, and I can’t betray her… I… I just can’t …”

“Calm down, Beef. I’m fucking with you. Did you see the look on his fucking face?” Todd laughed and gestured to his crew as he spoke, all of whom were laughing hysterically, “Priceless, man. Totally priceless.”

“Yeah, you got me, Todd.”

“Fucking-A right I did! You were all, ‘No, Todd, I’m not prejudiced, I just love my one and only.’ Ha, asshole!”

“But, yeah, like I am trying to get back to Beefville, see my one and only, Jill, before she is snatched up and taken to the Hell-Pool above and boiled for our sins.”

“You Beefs and your silly superstitions; there is no sin, no Hell-Pool is waiting to punish us all, just a hot-pot where we all go to die. There is only now, and death. There is no reason it happens. We aren’t made better by the boiling. Your Jill will get snatched, she will get boiled, and she will be eaten, not because the Great Supreme ordained it, but because that’s just how it is for all Bag-O-Meats. That’s life, man. Now, do a fucking line of The Green and we can talk shop.”

“No, thanks, I’m sober. Been that way since I found my path on the freezer truck.”

The gun came from nowhere and was at the side of Brian’s bag before he could say anything else. “You a fucking cop, Beef!? You fucking playing The Todd!? I will blow your beefy brains all over Chicken Town and ship your beefy remains back to your one and only, I swear I fucking will! Do. The. Line.”

He wasn’t proud of what he did in the next moment, but to keep the peace, he did that line of Verde Sauce with Todd, and then he did another, and another, and another. It got to the point where Brian forgot about his one and only, and her impending boiling for all beefy sins, and the importance of getting home, he just wanted more and more Verde Sauce. Eventually, months later, Todd strapped 7.5 ounces of the stuff to Brian’s bag and showed him the underground mule-routes to Beefville. Brian was going home and he was going to find Jill and make it all right; but he was a shell of himself and he knew it would be a lot of work to repair all the damage — but Jill would forgive him — if she was still there.

Brian, the Anthropomorphic Boil-in-Bag-O-Beef, made the delivery of Verde Sauce to some seedy looking characters just over the border in Beefville. They gave him enough Diablo Packets to live out the rest of his life, with Jill, in comfort. That thought eased his weary mind and he felt a strange sort of peace. The great light came then, the lifting of the lid on Chest Freezer Nation, the hand from above, and Brian raised his eyes to the sky. Clutching his ill-gotten Diablo Packets, and the small stash of The Green he’d pinched for himself, he saw Jill raising, raising, raising, and then she was gone. Brian didn’t know if she was going to the Hell-Pool to be boiled for the sins of all beefy kind, but he hoped that even if she was, it wouldn’t absolve him of his. He hoped that if there was a Great Supreme, living beyond the boundaries of this Earth and Taco Bell, that God and Jill would never forgive him his trespasses. There was nothing left for him here.

It was only moments later when he realized his beefy companions never left, they didn’t take their Verde Sauce and fuck off somewhere to Live Mas! A small chuckle came from the bigger one, “You know you fucked up, right?” he said. And Brian the Boil-in-Bag-O-Beef did know, he really did. He’d spend the rest of his days in that very acute and specific knowledge and all he could hope for was that the great light and the hand from above would come for him soon and maybe, just maybe, he’d see Jill again, somewhere beyond what is known to this world.


Scott Mitchel May is a writer living in rural Wisconsin with his family. You can follow Scott on Twitter @smitchelmay.

Leave a Reply