In these unprecedented times, times when we’re stuck at home reflecting or whatever, we’ve realized that we have something to say to Uber drivers everywhere:
Firstly, thank you for finding us when we set our pickup location as a sketchy driveway marked only with red Solo cups. We know this can’t be easy.
As you know, sometimes there are more of us than you anticipated, and therefore there aren’t enough seatbelts for everyone. We appreciate you letting us break the law. We’re too cheap to get a second Uber. Presumably you understand this since you are driving for Uber for a living. Also sorry you can’t see out your back window when we’re crammed on top of each other.
Sorry about that one time Natalie threw up in your backseat. But it was only a tiny bit and we made a basket out of her hair to catch it so it really didn’t get on your seats. I bet you didn’t even know because we opened all the windows. It won’t happen again.
Thanks for being such a good sport when we insult your music choices and insist on playing hardcore rap. And thanks for believing us when we tell you hardcore rap is our favorite when we really seem more like Hot Country Hits people.
Thanks for being so understanding that time we had to stop at Walgreens so Mallory could pee. We told her to slow down on the vodka cranberries, but she never listens. Sorry the rest of us got out of the car and went in for snacks and didn’t come back out for twenty minutes.
Sorry about that dog situation. We actually don’t know where he came from either, but we couldn’t just leave him. How could we have known you were allergic? And hey — Jack had Benadryl for you and some other stuff it turned out. Thanks for pretending not to see all the other stuff.
Sorry about that time we talked about Tom’s fake I.D. that says he’s from Illinois. We realize now we shouldn’t have put you in that position. Thanks for saying, “Hey, I grew up in Illinois,” when you could have called the cops.
Sorry about that time a few of us tried to have sex in the backseat. At the time we thought you wouldn’t notice. We realize now that you probably did notice. Everyone regrets everything that happened that night, so no need to rub it in. Lesson learned.
Thanks for providing Spearmint gum for us. Sorry Chad stuck his chewed wad on the window. He’s a tool and we’ve told Olivia to break up with him like a million times. But she won’t because she’s insecure and bases her value on if she’s dating someone. Thanks for passing us a box of tissues when Olivia started talking about it and cried a little.
Sorry Natalie threw up again. I know we said she wouldn’t but that’s Natalie. It can’t be helped. And hey — you had a grocery bag for her to throw up in this time. Sorry we left the grocery bag on the seat.
Oh and thank you so much for rushing us to the Urgent Care Center that time somebody dropped a beer bottle and cut open Lilly’s foot. We applied pressure just like you said and it helped. Like seriously you should be a doctor. Sorry about all the blood. She doesn’t have hepatitis or whatever so don’t worry.
Sorry about the time we shotgunned those beers while hanging out the sunroof. We didn’t mean for that to happen but it was Chad’s birthday.
Sorry about everything that happened on St. Patrick’s Day.
Finally, sorry for hitting on you, asking personal questions, repeatedly kicking the back of your seat, ignoring you, commenting on how weird the car smells, and/or insulting your haircut. Tequila makes us unpredictable. We know it, you know it, thanks for being chill about it.
Thanks for not telling our parents what we actually use Uber for. They think we only use it for rides to the airport for our flights home at Thanksgiving. Obviously, that’s not true.
We truly appreciate you and apologize for any inconveniences we may have caused. We love you. We miss you. We can’t wait to fuck up your cars again when all the bars re-open.
College Students Everywhere
Hayley is a writer living in Northern California. Her work has recently appeared in Narratively, The Belladonna, and The Syndrome Mag. When she’s not writing, she enjoys petting dogs and eating grilled cheese sandwiches. You can follow her on Twitter @hayleyzablotsky if you’re into that.