Elon Is Now Our Teacher

Automobile builder Elon Musk was the first to tweet that aliens helped build Egypt’s pyramids. Honestly, I didn’t know that. I thought it was the Macedonians. Anyhow, some other tweets from that morning helped clear up old mysteries.

For instance, the lost city of Atlantis sank into the Mediterranean after the Macedonians, yeah those guys, convinced its citizens, as a prank, they could get into the Guinness Book of World Records by having everyone synchronize flushing their toilets at the same moment.

That a massive chunk of the city of Atlantis was blown into the sky when everyone flushed their toilets and the sewer system exploded.

That a roadside farm stand from an Atlantis neighborhood was propelled into orbit and circled the earth, landing in the Yucatan jungle in Mexico where it contributed to the discovery of the pineapple.

That a strange prickly fruit called the pineapple was brought to European soil by seventh century Saxon bishop St. Agilbert, who reported to his flock one Sunday that he had been taken up into a metal UFO and flown to a tropical jungle where the locals raced pineapple carts powered by a fluid called gasoline. Incidentally, on that tweet, BP’s stock tanked.

That Agilbert’s disciples, with the help of the mole people who live under the earth, invented the internal combustion engine and built a stone race track in Wiltshire for 7th century gasoline powered pineapple racing carts. It still stands and is called Stonehenge. Musk owns a hotel near there.

That superman’s father Jor-El landed at Stonehenge after his planet exploded when it was visited by an Earth-sent Tesla roadster. Jor-El used the strange car to travel across the galaxies to Stonehenge where he charmed and intermingled with the mole people. Fascinating. That tweet says we are all related to Jor-El.

That Jor-El set up a popular roadside farm stand at Stonehenge, peddling something that had been popular on his doomed planet and will forever stick in our teeth—licorice. Stock in Musk owned candy companies shot up.

That a licorice sales surge boosted the worldwide need for rare spices, which only come from Wakanda, a mythical African country that is really in northern Minnesota. Musk revealed Tesla is getting tax kickbacks to build a gigafactory there.

That someday electric cars like the Tesla will disappear and all future autos will run on licorice. Elon hinted to the introduction of the long-awaited Tesla Model L, the first car to run on licorice.        

That there are many Elon Musks, one that sleeps at night in the factory and another that runs a space flight company and another who emerges to dispense valuable knowledge about the pyramids to his followers.    


John Hewitt is a former Army cook who now lives in fiery California. His latest novel is Freezer Burn, following the adventures of a not-yet-dead ferret.

Categories: Fiction

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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