Here Are the Things I Am Sorry For

I’m sorry I sexted with your friend Dave. It’s just that you said he was lonely so I guess I got ideas. He had this really fascinating thought of me having a threesome with a redhead. I’ve always liked red hair because of The Little Mermaid and she seems so hot yet wistful. I would like to be more hot yet wistful.

I didn’t know you and Dave were in a fight. I didn’t know that he was being weird- that he told you he was horny all the time because there was a pandemic and it’s illegal to touch. Some things are meant to be kept to oneself, Dave. Lesson for him, am I right?

It all started innocently enough: I DMed him on twitter to say I liked his live Instagram comedy/juggling show you two were both on and I was friends with you and he messaged me, “Wats ur number?” immediately. Then he started texting me and asking me nice questions like, “Where did you grow up?”, and “What kind of desserts would you bring on a picnic?” and “at what age did you get your period?” and that lulled me into a sense of being close to him. We talked about you and your awkward Jewish “I’m scared of living” vibe that’s like your #brand but at a certain point I got a sense he wanted to talk about more than just you.

The first time Dave and I sexted it was kind of weird if that makes you feel better. It lasted forty-five minutes and there were a lot of pauses which is kinda bad form if you know anything about sexting. I was interested that he said he liked threesomes. I can barely do a twosome! He told me what it would be like, “u, me and a redhead, hands, bodies everywhereee.” When I read that, I felt like a monster was going to attack me. I felt like there was something dangerous about all those body parts all at once. Do you think I could handle something like that? Am I threesome with a redhead ready?

After we sexted, I asked him what he was looking for long term and he said, “a travel companion” which I thought sounded wholesome yet sophisticated. When I talked to him, I felt closer to you. You are so funny and have such big glasses and that means a lot in a friend.

I can tell Dave to not tell you he’s horny anymore and I guess I can take care of his horniness. That’s something useful coming out of this, right? I want our friendship to be like a fricking meteor attacking our lives changing everything all at once like throwing a pink and white bath bomb from Lush at your face like BAM! I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I hope it’s ok but I’m going to France with Dave. I don’t know how it happened but we were sexting a lot and he asked me whether I’d like it if he sucked on my breasts and I texted, “Oui oui!” and he said, “I need to take you to the eiffel towr gurl.” I told him how when I was young, I had a French exchange student who looked like a Ken doll and didn’t talk that much and for some reason that really moved him. It’s not that we’re serious or anything though-just like a little trip to France and a little baguette munching (hee does that sound dirty!?) and probably some making out at midnight on French landmarks and maybe this is a bit TMI. I’m sorry….

When we met at college, I didn’t know what to do with you. You were so shy and looked at me all wide eyed like a kewpie doll. We would retreat into my shockingly white dorm room and you would tell me what you liked to write about. At this time, I thought writing sounded like doing one thousand pushups a day, so much discipline and so confusing-but I listened.

This is kinda a weird question but if Dave and I got married–would maid of honor sound like an organic role for you? Like I have a sister but I think she’d understand. I can imagine myself in a dress made all of fruity pebbles-like something a bit too interesting to look at. Am I in love? I can’t tell. Maybe Dave has changed me. Maybe imagining being with Dave and a third woman has changed me-I’m not sure.

I hope I have not been too candid but I believe friendship is about being open and I want to open myself so wide to you I don’t even exist anymore. It’s weird like once he was your friend “Dave” and now he’s “our Dave.” Like we share this thing we never shared before and isn’t that kinda beautiful? There are even more things I’d like to share with you like a blueberry milkshake, an impossibly cute flowered romper, a value system etc.

Also, I hope you know that if Dave and I have a child we would of course name her after you! Dave says he’d prefer to travel rather than have a child but I assume I can convince him otherwise! I heard that if men watch “The Brady Bunch” enough that can help them want to start a family.

I’m sorry again.  But at the same time, I feel closer to you than I ever have so maybe I’m not sorry. Maybe sorry can sometimes mean something less negative and instead something more empowering. I know I’m not sorry I met you. I know I’m not sorry you stared at me with those big manic pixie dream girl glasses and said, “hi” and woke me up.

Catherine Weingarten is a playwright and humor writer based in NYC. SHe’s a bit too obsessed with wedding cake.Twitter: @sarahkaneissexy

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