How to Use a Self-Service Carwash When Drunk

2. Get about fifteen-dollars-worth of tokens and give them to your drinking buddy to hold. Have him promise not to buy beer with them at the convenience store across the street.

3. Next, study the carwash control panel as if you are perusing the happy hour menu at the pub.  Make sure you know where the brushes and hoses are, and that the dial is not set on the Soap or Wax cycle. Untangle the cords around your neck to avoid strangulation or accidentally tearing off your antenna.

4. Change into your flip-flops or a lousy pair of sneakers, drink two cans of Red Bull, take a leak at Chick-fil-A next door, and do a couple of knee bends before inserting the coins, so you’re prepared for the long haul.

5.     Turn the dial to the Rinse cycle, and remember to point the spray away from your face unless you need sobering up. Don’t waste time looking at the attractive woman in daisy dukes scrubbing her car or tilt the spray nozzle in the opposite direction soaking the man who’s buying dashboard wipes. 

6.     Hopefully, you have consumed enough energy drinks to race around the car before the timer goes to zero. Keep spraying and moving, your eyes only on the little dirty spots instead of wishing you were still at the bar drinking whiskey sours.   

7.     Tell your drinking buddy to pull up his pants and stop pissing in the bay area. Have him hand you a few tokens, and warn him to stop whistling at the woman wearing daisy dukes unless he wants a knuckle sandwich by her six-foot-five boyfriend.

8.    Turn the dial to the Soap cycle. Grab the foam brush and don’t get any soap on your drinking buddy, who’s unable to stand upright and about to keel over. Make sure you do the hood, roof, and bumpers.  Don’t spend any time lathering under the chassis. If you slip or fall because of drinker’s vertigo, don’t sit in the dirty water too long or you’ll get E. Coli poisoning.  

9      Turn the dial to Final Rinse, making sure you clean off every inch of your vehicle.  Check if your drinking buddy still has any tokens left after he bought a six-pack from the convenience store.  Once you’re finished the Final Rinse cycle, take a glance at the person who is about to drive into your bay. Make sure he doesn’t run over your drinking buddy who is lying face down in the soapy water.  

10.  Proceed to the vacuum area.  As you vacuum the inside of the car, give your drinking buddy a couple of dry towels and tell him to wipe off the droplets of water on the hood. Ignore his slurred speech and angry mumbles about how life is unfair. Tell him that he’s had enough alcohol for a whole rugby team, and don’t mention that his wife ran away with the neighbor down the street with the two Mastiffs.  Vacuum the floor mats, and make sure you don’t suck in your eyeglasses or car keys.

11.  After your drinking buddy upchucks all over the hood of your clean car, go back to step number one. 

Mark Tulin is a former therapist gone rogue from California. His books include Magical Yogis, Awkward Grace, The Asthmatic Kid and Other Stories available at Amazon. He’s been featured in Still Point Journal, The Writing Disorder, New Readers Magazine, among others.  Mark’s website is Crow On The Wire.  And twitter @Crow_writer.

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