Bar Guy tells everyone that he’s friends with the bartender. He used to work here, you know. Left for personal reasons, but they love him here, Bar Guy tells you.

Bar Guy is only here for one pint. He told you this two hours and five pints ago. He has things to see, places to do, girls to go. He’s important. You know they save this table, this table right here that you’re sitting at, for him.

Everyone knows his name here at this bar. You know, just like that one show. Bar Guy tells you that he’s an actor, and shows you clips from a cancelled show that stopped airing ten years ago. Works been hard to come by since then, you know, but he’s got an audition coming up. There’s always an audition coming up.

Bar Guy laughs too loud and grabs at every waitress. He’s in love with every single one. You notice his hand wanders a little too low, and his eyes linger a little too long but he tells you the waitresses love it. He tells you everything he’d do to them. He tells you that for a bar without windows it still has great views, if you catch his drift.

Bar Guy tells you not to look. His ex wife is sitting at what used to be his favourite table. She’s been here for as long as he has tonight, but she’s six vodkas deep. He says she has a drinking problem.

He orders another pint. 

The last time she was here, he tells you, they had a huge blow up. Bar Guy is fine, he’s a regular, he knows the owners, he knows everyone. He puts up with her because he doesn’t want to embarrass her. He’s a gentlemen. He could get her banned for life. He knows the owners. He knows how to treat the ladies right.

Bar Guy drinks another pint. And another. Bar Guy orders shots to the table but he swears he didn’t so they’re put on your tab. He points out that you didn’t hesitate to take one, so it’s only fair.

He’ll get the next round.

He’ll get you next time. 

He doesn’t.

Bar Guy throws up in the bathroom.

Bar Guy passes out in the backseat of his car.

Bar Guy is the king of Sunday Fundays.  

Sam Woods has work in BackPatio Press, Road Maps and Life Rafts and Space. Twitter:  @SamLynn_Woods