the great and unsolvable temperature conundrum

I’ve been having a REALLY tough time determining whether or not my beer is cold lately. Like most people, when I’m enjoying a couple frosty ones, my extremities become completely paralyzed and I immediately start pissing my khaki cargo shorts. Sure I could lean down and take the can in my lips like a fish gasping for air, but there is always a risk that the beer is warm. The sensation of urine running down my legs makes the determination of cold even more difficult.

But the innovators at Coors Light have realized there is nothing harder in this world than determining the temperature of a beer and have created a completely necessary indicator for when a beer is cold. Something so complex and nuanced, that most other companies wouldn’t touch it.

Once those mountains turn blue on the can, I can relinquish my precarious grip on reality; use a flamingo shaped beer bong as a catheter, do a nitrous balloon and talk about a shirt I bought that is meant to be worn untucked.

Finally one thing in my life where the guesswork can be removed. My entire world is crumbling around me in 2020 but at least I know, WITHOUT A DOUBT that my fucking brewskis are as cold as a snow mound in a strip club parking lot in Northern Indiana. 

Mark Wilson is a Chicago based author/visual artist driven by the same crippling monotony experienced while waiting for another vertebrae to collapse in an ergonomically correct chair under the dim glow of poorly installed fluorescent lighting. His writing focuses on the passive consumption of content as we eternally bleed formative memories from our fingertips into the blue light. You can find more of his work at onetie-alltie.com

Categories: Essay

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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