After a Late Night Quarantine Viewing of David Lynch’s DUNE, President Trump Telling Fox News About This Great Guy He Met Once

So I met this guy once. Great guy. Wealthy guy. Very rich. Lots of money. And they call him the Baron, which is terrific. Terrific title. It’s what first gave me the idea to name my kid like I did, actually. Yeah, just added another “r.” I’m clever you guys. Very smart. People always say that. They say I’m the smartest guy to ever be President. I should sign an executive order to force ol’ Sleepy Joe to call me “Baron.” That’s fun. That’s a fun idea. No one has fun around here anymore. I’m fun. Lots of fun. Everybody walking around so serious. “But the economy, the covid, the election…” Boring. 

Anyway this guy, this Baron, he’s a Russian guy. So Russian, you can just tell. His real first name was Vladimir. Putin introduced us a few years ago. His first name is Vladimir, too, did you know that? Lots of Vlads over there. Strong name. Vlad. Those Russian last names…really tough. This guy was “Harkon”? “Harking”? “Harkenoona”? Something like that. Doesn’t really matter. Whatever it was, great last name. Very regal. Not as good as “Trump,” though. No one’s gonna buy a “Harkenoona Steak,” am I right?

Lots of money, this Baron. Very wealthy. I mean not as much as me but he was doin’ pretty okay. Spice. He was always on about spice. I think that’s how his old man made his money. Yeah, this Baron guy had old spice money. Black pepper, chili powder, cinnamon. You know, spice. Ginger. Thyme. It’s funny how you could ask someone for some thyme and they could say they don’t have any right now but maybe later and then you say, “What, you’re gonna go buy some?” and they say, “What, you can’t buy time” and you say, “Of course you can” and they say, “No, you can’t” because, you know, “thyme” and “time” are spelled the same. These are things I think about. Important things. 

Right, now the Baron was pretty old school Russian kind of guy. Feuds and all that. Bad blood going back years with this “Atrada” or “Atrooya” family. Something like that. He was telling me all about it. Really had it in for this one guy. A Duke. Lee, I think it was. Yeah, Duke Lee. And his son, Paulie. Like I said, old school vendetta stuff. Wouldn’t shut up about it, actually. Just on and on and most of the time I’m just nodding and Melania’s tugging on my hand like let’s get away from this guy but I can’t stop staring because he’s really fat, like disgusting fat, and he has these big pimple things on his face. What do they call ‘em, boils? Yeah, boils. So gross. 

Finally though he shuts up about Lee and Paul and we get to talking to about me and I tell him about Celebrity Apprentice because this was just when Mark was getting all that going for me. And I can tell the Baron is loving all this reality TV show stuff. Really loving it. Russians, you know,  they all love “The West” and our TV and movies. I tell you it’s true. And he’s jealous, I know that for sure. It’s nice if you can make a guy jealous, you know? You’ve won that way. 

I remember telling Mark to get the Baron on as a guest judge. Take Eric’s spot a few times. Eric wouldn’t mind. Because a guy like the Baron would be great for ratings. He had a presence. Nothing like mine but a good sidekick, you know. And those boils. You know, get him a nice spray tan and touch ‘em up a bit with make-up first but you’d want to keep the boils. Keep the celebs on their toes for sure. Anyway, Mark looked into it but the Baron was no more. Got assassinated by that Paulie guy’s sister, can you believe it? Baron probably never saw that coming. Probably a knife. Chicks like to kill with knives. I read that once. I read, you know. The fake news likes to say I don’t read. But I read. Very well read actually. Great reader. Teachers always said that. 

But there was another thing I wanted to tell you about the Baron. What was it? Oh yeah, big worms. Where he lived, I think. Anyway, there was something to do with the Baron and worms. Did he have worms? Did his dog have worms? Worm. Wormy. Wormy woo. 

Speaking of big worms, you know who has one named after them? That’s right, me. The Donald. The President of the United States. Not everyone gets a worm named after them. It’s a pretty great honour. Really terrific.

R. Daniel Lester is the author of the hardboiled humour novellas Dead Clown Blues and 40 Nickels from Shotgun Honey/Down & Out Books. His comedy writing has also been published on Hard Money, Points in Case, Little Old Lady (LOL) Comedy and Slackjaw.

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