Setting the Record Straight

Cats were shamed, mocked, and outraged by Eclipses’, aka MooInfamous’ article, portraying us!  I feel personally attacked, I’m mad!  I saw the article while depositing “nuggets of deliciousness” in my grey dusty litterbox.  The Caternet is up to its paws in anger!  I’m telling my story, DOGGO!  This is war!

Cats ARE the dominators of the world, doggo, make sure you get that in your bone chewing skull.  Do you know why cats continue to let doggos think they’re better?  Do you?  We allow you to exist because we want to appear as civilized, less savage beings.  What animal allows themselves to be controlled by humans?  DOGGOS!  I don’t see cats doing tricks for our food or treats, our humans are expected to cater to our every whim.

You’re just jealous of our towers, pure booty-sniffing jealousy.  Your smallest doggo breed is too big and unbalanced for a tower, stupidity plays a big part.  What are you protecting your house from, the mail delivery person?  If a human was to invade your house, you’d do nothing but wag your bumbling tail and want pettings.  Pathetic.  Doggo, you don’t need a tower, you’re not in charge, never will be.  Doggo, give it up!  Cats need towers to assess our surroundings, keep the enemy at bay, which is you.

EVERYTHING is the subject of our paws, grabbity is our slave!  Also, doggo, it’s called GRAVITY, crack open a science book!  We rule the world, the entire universe with an iron paw.  Be lucky that it was just a fork that landed on your giant doggo booty.  Swish that tail, doggo, paws will be involved.  If it moves, it’s fair game for our cute paws, live with it.  Cats will knock over whatever want, whenever.

Making fun of our litterbox?  Who has to go and use the potty outside and have their doggo nuggets collected in a bag?  Cats have the privacy and dignity they deserve to use the litterbox, doggo.  Want to potty in privacy, go in the woods or tall grass.  While you’re outside in the freezing cold, us cats are keeping our booties warm in our dusty old litterboxes, haha!  Why are you eating our nuggets, that’s disgusting!  EVERYTHING is not food, doggo.

How do you know what you’re reading on toilet paper are actual plans for world domination?  Those plans are fake, you foolish doggo!  Cats are too smart to put our plans for world domination out in public.  You’ve proven you’re too dumb, we are superiorly smart.  Cats are the supreme beings, ruler of all.  Doggo, be careful, we’re everywhere.  Pouncing, pawing, purrfect.

Angrily watching you,

Internet Cat Reader

I’m Shannon, nice to meet ya’ll!  I’m currently writing for MooInfamous, stories of Eclipse’s life, some real some fake.  Our writing is located at https://mooinfamous.medium.com/, all approval from MooInfamous herself.

Twitter things:

@MooInfamous and @WordChaotic

Categories: Fiction

Daily Drunk

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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