Emily’s Y2Playlist: In Defense of Caroline

Guys, guys, guys, what did she do to you? Like specifically? Did she catfish you? Did she make out with your dad? Did she punch you in the dick? From what I can tell, your biggest issue is that she gets geeked at the sigh of an ATM receipt. You think she’s stuck up, which may be the case, but has she ever misled you on that score? No. She’s upfront about her expectations and after you learn them it’s on you to move on and find love further afield! You deserve a partner who doesn’t use you!

(Gentle readers, this is a defense of Caroline; but something completely unrelated sticks with me. In the opening of this video we’re shown Caroline and her girlfriends primping in the bathroom. The camera pans out to show the hustle and bustle of other students including one girl who exits a bathroom stall and doesn’t wash her hands. There. It’s off my chest.)

Upon receiving a response to his note “Caroline, will you be my Valentine?” Big Boi is grieved to find that rather than a direct yes or no, Caroline has written “Maybe”. The nerve. He drives directly back to the high school (presumably to confront her) where The Love Below is doing a whole spring musical… all about Caroline? The power this girl has.

(You guys, I forgot to mention that the girl in the bathroom very clearly did a number 2. Like she was waving her hand in front of her face to escape the smell and then didn’t wash her hands. You should wash your hands either way, but number 2 makes it somehow worse, right?)

The contempt the guys have for Caroline seems outsized. Andre sings about how he (jokingly) wishes she’d get in a car wreck and in the bridge Big Boi recalls the time he asked her out and she asked if he was ballin’. He immediately called her prostitute, which is kind of a leap.

(Wait, maybe there were more sinks out frame. The girl walked towards the camera and off. Maybe there was a whole other bank of them?… Okay, I just went back to review the tape and there are three stalls, three sinks. Fuck, this is really gonna bother me.)


Emily Draffen is a Midwesterner living in the South. She has written three plays and loves gin martinis. 

Categories: Essay

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Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. You can follow him on Twitter @Sbb_writer.

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