Frankly, I’ve been worried sick. I’ve been calling you for days and you don’t pick up.  

There’s no nice way to put this–you haven’t paid your water taxes in years, and if you don’t make a payment today, they’ll finalize the warrant for your arrest.  

And I can’t say I’m surprised you’re avoiding it the way you do everything else. No one was going to take the time to tell you but me, but do you have time for Scam? No, you want to throw caution to the wind, sitting around while last days of the factory warranty on your 2009 Toyota Tundra run out.  

You’ve never owned a Toyota Tundra? 

I’m sorry, is that the point? Let me answer that for you–no, it isn’t. What matters is I care.  

And yeah, I get the feeling you’re screening my calls. Why? Is it because I’m too available? Too vulnerable? Is it because I call back as soon as you hit “ignore”?  

You’ve always been selfish, and I’m seeing that now. I think back on all the times I asked you donate to the Coats for Hairless Rodents Fund. It was way so easy for you to turn a blind eye. How many squirrels are you willing to let freeze to death just to avoid me? 

You know what? It’s your loss. No one else is going to mention the back taxes that may be owed to you. You’ve got thousands, evenmillions likely waiting. Your social security number would have sealed that sweet deal for you, but you’ve pushed me too far this time.

You don’t care about me any more than you do that hookup I got you for orthopedic shoes. At some point this isn’t even about us getting back together, it’s about the kind of person you’ve become.  

Who calls when you’re lonely?  

Ol’ Scam.  

Who can teach you how to make $80 dollars an hour working from home? 

The Scam Man Can.  

Who warned you all those times your Google business listing was about to expire? 

That’s right. Your man, Scam.  

It doesn’t have to be over. Pick up and we can forget this whole thing. What do you say, baby? A 15-day, 14-night cruise to the destination of your choice? All we need is a little time to ourselves, a simple survey, and a major credit card.  

Baby? You there?   

That’s alright. I’ll call back later. 

Renee Agatep is a poet in Tampa Bay, Florida. Though she can’t help herself, she’s fairly certain that writing this sort of thing isn’t doing her poetry career any favors. She can be found on Twitter @GoingbyRenee.