Hello, sports fans. Did you just lose another championship? That’s too bad. I didn’t. Because I’m a winner, which means I win every game I watch. For all those superstitious hardcore and fair-weather fans out there, I’m a freelance good luck charm, ready to win you a sports championship. And I have quite the credentials list to back it up.
Allow me to add my two recent LA wins, in addition to my impeccable track record in San Francisco. My resume includes five MLB World Series, one Super Bowl, two NBA championships, one NCAA tournament, and one Tug of War indoor championship (not to be confused with outdoor).
Un-qualifying wins include all my brother’s little league games, my high school football team, my dad’s bowling league, a few ultimate frisbee tournaments, a cornhole championship, and the list goes on and on.
Lucky for you, I’m currently accepting applications for my next go-to team! In your cover letter, please tell me why I should care about you, your city, and your team.
Stipulations include that it has to be a legitimate sport, preferably a team sport, and the team must be based in the city in which I’m currently residing (relocation costs will be included in your fee). And I, of course, have to be sitting directly next to you, while intently focused on each game of the season. One trip to the bathroom or distractions at the snack table can hinder the outcome.
Therefore, I get first dibs on any bathroom breaks that become available. I don’t care if your kid has to go. I jump straight to the front of the line. In addition, any delicious snacks that you’ve cooked up should be delivered directly to me, in my prime spot on the couch, bench, or sidelines, with a perfect view of the game.
No matter what, halfway through the match, I must — I repeat I MUST — clip my toenails. It doesn’t matter if they need to be clipped or not. And whatever I clip must be recycled in the nearest bin, which you will provide.
When 15 minutes are left on the clock, I will chew a piece of bubblegum, putting a new piece in my mouth on the minute, every minute that counts down on the time clock. I can’t be expected to account for time outs or time between plays. My mouth simply isn’t big enough.
Once 15 whole pieces are in my mouth, 10 seconds before the buzzer, I will take the gum wad out of my mouth and slam it on the floor. After which, I will jump on it at the exact moment the buzzer goes off. This part isn’t for good luck. It’s just a fun celebration dance I always do.
After the win, I will go directly to bed. If we are at your home, it will need to be in your master bedroom. If we are at an event, it will need to be your car. There are to be no interruptions until the next morning, after which you will surprise me with a bacon, egg, and cheese on an everything bagel and drive me home.
It’s in your best interest to treat this like a pitch. Candidates who include a detailed description of my game-watching experience, any snack recipes, and pictures of my sleeping arrangements will be considered first. You can find the application at WinYourselfAChampionship.com.
May the best offer win.
Amy is an advertising and comedy writer, who loves to poke cleverly at the very industry that pays her, the pop culture that entertains her, and the Bible Belt that raised her.