Jeremiah (7 and not a bullfrog, we checked) attended his cousin Fitzgerald’s birthday party this past weekend. Fitzgerald (8, previously 7) was lucky enough to have a bouncy castle at this party because his parents were the right mix of middle-class, white, and too lazy to plan any real activities for the children.
Jeremiah and the other children were very excited about the bouncy castle, but first had to sit through a decently long speech about the rules of the bouncy castle. Fitzgerald’s mother, Karen (38, very tired), had assured us that yes, she did give the children the rule speech. Gregor (between 17 and 48), the sketchy man who delivered the bouncy castle and avoided all questions about the used condom found in the bouncy castle during set-up, also assured us that a rule speech was given and the children listened well. 9 of the 10 children present said there was no rule speech and Gregor just yelled “No shoe” before letting them enter the castle. The tenth child was choking on a used condom.
While this is a common rule often shouted at children sprinting towards bouncy castles, it is never clear why (At least we hope this is a common rule you all know otherwise this premise is shot). Fitzgerald and his friends all took off their shoes. His cousin Jeremiah, whom his mother had made him invite even though he is a full year younger and annoying, ignored the rules, though.
As Jeremiah entered the bouncy castle, amidst shouts of glee, cries of pain, and yells of “ew a used condom,” no one noticed that he had shoes still on. He climbed up and immediately fell off because the other kids would not stop jumping. He then yelled “Stop Jumping!!” (We agree with Fitzgerald he does seem like the annoying kid at a Birthday party), and proceeded to climb up again. As he took his first tentative bounces, a portal to hell opened up inside the castle, and the force knocked all the other children out of the castle.
According to eyewitnesses of the event, which admittedly were nine children without shoes, one child with shoes, and Gregor who seemed like an idiot, Satan himself then walked out of the portal. Satan (2183, destroyer of worlds, lord of chaos, collector of stamps) bellowed “Who dares break the only infernal rule of the bouncy castle!” Jeremiah yelled back “I did, motherfucker!” Jeremiah’s mother Susan (42, mildly concerned about what happened on the bouncy castle) claims she does not know where Jeremiah learned this word while looking furiously at Jeremiah’s father.
Jeremiah then challenged Satan to a bounce off. Satan tried to counter with a fiddle battle, and Jeremiah called him a motherfucker again. Satan finally accepted. The bounce off commenced, and lasted about 18 seconds. Satan immediately double-bounced Jeremiah, giving him tremendous height. Jeremiah came down with a flying elbow, hitting Satan in the nose (by all accounts an illegal move, but we did not want to argue with the kid who beat Satan [Spoilers!]). Satan fell back and Jeremiah bounced him out of the castle with ease. The other children then verbally abused Satan whilst Gregor just continued to seem like an idiot.
Satan retreated back into Hell and the portal closed. The rest of the children then went inside and were disappointed with how bad the ice cream cake actually was compared to their expectations. Jeremiah stayed outside and continued bouncing, shoes still on. He later said he was trying to get God to come out and challenge him, but God was being a “pussy” (Our word, not his).
When asked about the events of the day, Satan said “Yeah, it was a rough day. I haven’t lost a battle since that jerk with the fiddle (again referencing an old song we hope you are familiar with otherwise that joke flopped twice). Oh well, I’m gonna torture him for eternity in like 12 years [Spoilers!].”
We also asked Gregor about how he felt the day had gone and the importance of bouncy castle rules. He stated that, “This is why we have that rule. It is our number one rule. Followed by don’t leave your used condoms in the bouncy castle. Those are really our only two rules. I’m going to get fired. Want to have sex in the bouncy castle?”
If these events have taught us anything, it is how to get in contact with Satan, not to invite Jeremiah to your birthday party, and that Gregor is an idiot and a sex-fiend.
Declan Cross is a writer from Canada. He studies accounting at university but does not really know why. He co-hosts The Doctor and The Dumbass Podcast (take a guess which one he is). He can be followed on Twitter @declanbcross.