GTFO


NO TRESPASSING

This kidney is Private Property 

Hostile calcium formations (aka kidney stones) are prohibited.

Any such pain-inducing abominations must vacate the premises immediately.

No exceptions. 

Violators will be flushed.



Eviction Notice

TO: Trespasser in Left Minor Calyx

FROM: Kidney Owner

Consider this formal notification of Medical Action to end your excruciating habitation in the aforementioned kidney. Simply put, you must leave now. This eviction notice is served concurrently with Prescription Pain Medication, rendering your sadistic misbehavior futile. Good day.



Cease and Desist Order

TO: Talkative Trespasser

FROM: Kidney Owner

You are hereby ordered to cease all attempts at communication with me. My current state of “medicated haze” does not constitute an invitation to chat.

Also, be advised, I refuse to address you as “Rodney.” That is a stupid name for a kidney stone. “Cal” is much more suitable (obviously), you spiky calcified bastard, but I suppose it’s too much to expect a reasonable naming convention from a formation with such blatant disregard for both property rights and interpersonal boundaries. Shut. Up.



Cease and Desist Order (Second)

TO: Trespasser “Rodney”

FROM: Property Owner

As previously stated, I have no wish to communicate with you. Consider your boast of being “drug resistant” unacknowledged. Further, I have no interest in your theories regarding corporate takeover strategies, nor your musings on hostile military coups. Just stop.



Internal Memo

FYI—It is impossible to entertain your proposal of joint kidney ownership while you are aggressively stabbing me with those pointy tines of hate. Your insincere apologies fool no one. Rest assured, Serious Medical Intervention is imminent.



Cease and—

Quit mocking me! In retaliation for your hurtful “trash talk,” you will now be subjected to Targeted Shock Wave Bombardment. (Spoiler Alert: This will not end well for you.)



Eviction Notice—Updated

TO: “Rodney” (since you insist)

This notice is to inform you: Your reign of terror is at its end! Shock wave invulnerability aside, I have been assured by multiple Board-Certified Medical Specialists that your forced removal is imminent. Prepare for Surgical Strike! I am giving you formal notice of this action because I want you to spend your final moments wallowing in existential dread. Who’s crying now, motherfucker!?


NO TRESPASSING

This kidney is Private Property

Calcium minions spawned by former trespasser “Rodney” are prohibited.

Any such mini-Rodneys will face extreme measures immediately.

Attempted communications will go unanswered.


Myna Chang writes flash and short stories. Her work has been featured in Reflex Fiction, Atlas and Alice, Daily Science Fiction, Funny Pearls, Defenestration, LOLComedy, and others. Read more at MynaChang.com or on Twitter @MynaChang.

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