Willie Barnes, who usually only posts selfies in his MAGA hat, shared a photo on his Instagram of what appeared to be part of a missing index finger beside the mangled remains of the still attached portion. He captioned the photo “COVID-19 HERO.”
We’re not sure how we found this abomination considering he only has eight followers but it was attracting a bit more attention than the customary one like he usually receives from his mother, and we’re digging deep for anything at all to report during the lockdown. We contacted Barnes to find out about this hero status that came at such great personal cost.
“I didn’t just save some random person. I saved all of you,” he insisted. “I’m a true hero.”
Like we said, we don’t even know Barnes, so we didn’t have a clue how he might have saved us all and lopped off his finger in the process. Nevertheless, we were certainly grateful and intrigued.
We encouraged him to share the details of his astonishing bravery, though we didn’t have to press. He was more than willing to expound and stake his claim to his rightful place alongside other great Americans, like Tom Brady.
“I was relaxing in my recliner watching Dwight Yoakam videos on YouTube,” he explained. “I love Dwight. He’s in Mensa like me. Anyway, Janine—that’s my wife, no relation to the hot 1990s porn actress who married the West Coast Choppers guy—rudely interrupted and suggested I help out with dinner for once. I thought the woman cooked dinner, but whatever. If I get in a fight with her, it’s not like I can head over to the Do Drop Inn for a beer like I usually do. I know when to fold a losing hand, God rest Kenny Rogers!
“So I just carried my laptop right into the kitchen with me so Dwight could keep on croonin’ ‘Suspicious Minds.’ Everything was going great until… yep, you guessed it, Janine’s nagging caused me to slip and cut the end of my finger off.”
Oh my, where to begin. First off, we doubt Barnes’ Mensa claim, if for no other reason than the fact he seems to confuse sharing a first name with having a biological relationship. We also tried interrupting to point out his ill-advised multi-tasking that likely led to dismembering his digit, but he waved us off and kept going.
“I’ve been watching FOX News, and these liberals are deliberately overrunning our hospitals. It’s obvious they just want to sabotage the economy and President Trump.
“I had to do my part to prevent that, so I didn’t even consider going to the ER to have my finger sewn back on. I handled it myself just like Seal Team 6 would, throwing my severed limb in the freezer and sticking my bloody stump right on a hot stove burner to cauterize the wound. That hurt like a son of a bitch!”
We were impressed, but we still weren’t sure who Barnes saved or how he became a great hero. We thought maybe his wife could lend a little much-needed insight.
Oh, she did.
“Willie’s an idiot,” she stated with conviction. “And he’s hardly a hero. He’s just chicken shit to go to a hospital, which is about the only reasonable behavior he’s exhibited in weeks.
“I could tolerate wee Willie. We don’t have sex anyway. But big Willie is driving me batty. Since he’s obsessed with Dwight Yoakam, do you know that old song, ‘Ain’t That Lonely Yet’? Yeah well, I ain’t lonely enough to stay in this stifling marriage another minute. I’m taking my chances and heading straight to the courthouse to file these divorce papers. I really hope divorce is essential business.”
Just like Brady and the deflated footballs, Barnes’ heroism isn’t without its share of controversy. In these turbulent times, however, we choose to block out the noise and focus on a great, if somewhat nebulous, deed performed by a great man in sacrifice to us all.
Chuck Miller writes stuff on platforms for people with dubious credentials. Visit https://www.whatthechuuuck.com/ for more of his nonsense and one thing that makes a lot of sense: his children’s picture book about a little girl striving to overcome developmental delays, Will Little Roo Ever…?.