Extra unemployment has come to an end but when it comes to Coronavirus there is no end in sight! There is no sign of a stimulus bill or job security or even safety in sight. But fear not, we still have the one thing that has gotten most of us through this nightmare so far: Alcohol, sweet sweet alcohol. But wait! Isn’t alcohol astronomically expensive? How will I buy my ice cream, my frozen meals, and my cereal? Don’t you worry, because boy do we have some tricks for you. Here are the five best industrial sized wine bottles you can get for under $15.
2019 Carlo Rossi, Sangria: A jug of wine will last you longer than you think. With notes of sour worm, apple juice and an afterglow of dirty sock, this sweet summer treat will gladly carry over into your winter routine (seasonal depression). We’re all going to be stuck inside until there’s some sort of a vaccine so pump up your heat, put on a bikini, and get nasty with Sir Carlo Rossi. Pairs well with Amy’s frozen chicken chow mein, grilled hamburger, and Prozac.
2019 Woodbridge, Sauvignon Blanc: This bright white is a fan favorite in many bars, but guess what, you can use it in your home! A dry and leggy white with an electric mouth feel. Carries notes of dry toast, grape, and sour. Buy the biggest bottle they have and go to town. Pairs well with netflix and calling your ex boyfriend.
2019 Barefoot, Moscato: Bring highschool to the home with this cloyingly sweet wine. Sail away with notes of lavender, sugar, and mostly sugar. You will take your top off for the strangers staring at you through your open window. You will scream cry to dirty dancing. You will be hungover in the morning. Pairs well with pissing yourself in your bed and cleaning it up quietly.
2019 Darkhorse, Cabernet: A full bodied blackout in a bottle. With this wine you could have a nice steak or just drink on an empty stomach like we all know you will. This one has notes of used underwear, ball sweat, and grape. Who knew you liked The Notebook so much? Who knew you could cry at a video of a baby hugging a dog? Darkhorse knew. Pairs well with sadness.
2019 Franzia, Chillable Red: A sweet light red that you can throw in your fridge, sounds perfect! Now technically this isn’t a bottle of wine, it’s a whole box. Thirty-five whole glasses for under $15! This wine is surprisingly stomachable. A fruity blend of grape and grape. Ignore the cyanide aftertaste, it’s good for you. Pairs well with antibiotics.
Bella Dillman is a Chicago based comedian who performs in and produces shows at The Laugh Factory Chicago, the Second City, and more! She is currently developing a two woman show which touches on the themes of friendship, coming of age, and addiction. She is also the host of weekly livestream “By the Sheeple, for the Sheeple” on the Laugh Factory Chicago instagram page.