WHATTUP world, welcome to this hot take, honestly this take is piping, like fresh mince pie hot, and I don’t give out that kind of hotness lightly (unless it’s myself of course). Sorry, I’m getting distracted, I’ve had a lot of “Champagne” and I think my blood might be fizzy, so bear with me. I’m here to tell you Father Christmas, papa Noël, sinterklaas, St Nicholas, Kris Kringle, whatever you wanna call him, is R E A L.
Oh I hear u groaning. He is not real, say you. Not real at all. You’re ready to click off this article and start reading something else, but WAIT. stop! I have p r o o f.
A Miracle on 34th Street.
Now, there’s two versions of this film, one made in 1947 and the other in 1994 (the new one’s got Mara Wilson in it and it is a DELIGHT), and I would like to put forward these two as exhibit A and exhibit B in this case of « The Father Christmas Reality Principle »
The basic premise of this movie is that this father christmas looking dude turns up in New York on the day of the Macy’s (or Coles, if it’s 1994) Thanksgiving Day Parade, starts making sure all the christmassy stuff is in the right place, looking all cute, making the children happy. SIKE it is father christmas. Long story short, because he’s father christmas, he gets the gig being father christmas at the parade, and then also in the store, bringing the spirit of Christmas to everybody. However, some boring as grown-ups don’t believe he’s Father Christmas (Kris Kringle, Santa Claus, etc.) so they try and get him sectioned. Anyway, I don’t wanna give you spoilers for a Movie that’s almost as old as my grandparents. What I want to give you spoilers for, is this:
These two pictures are bonafide PROOF that Father Christmas is real. Just look at these two snaps. These men are CLEARLY the same person. This is not an actor, I repeat: not. An. actor.
You can’t look at these two pictures of this Jolly bearded man and tell me it’s not the same jolly bearded man. Look at his lovely cheeks, and his little nose. Sure, he’s got glasses on in the 1994 version, but Clark Kent wears glasses and Super man doesn’t and they’re the same person!! So why shouldn’t this hang true?
Plus, the reason this means that Father Christmas is real, and that this isn’t just a dude playing him in two movies is that there’s 47 years in between these two films. That man could not possibly be 47 years older in the later picture. Unless, of course, he didn’t age physically at all because he’s an immortal being who hops in and out of chimneys giving people gifts and stuff. So the only explanation is that, both of these actors are the same person, who doesn’t age. Obviously, it’s the real Father Christmas.
Now, I’ve read lots of other proof and theories that he either does or doesn’t exist. When I was seven I remember reading somewhere that he was a macroscopic quantum particle that meant he could exist in all places at all times or something, which was why he could visit every house ever. Anyway, that’s beside the point. There’s SCIENCE to back it up. And, now, I have PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE. So, feel free to show this to the no hopers you know. I’m a Santa Truther – and now, I hope you lot are too.
If you should have any further questions about the existence of Father Christmas, please don’t direct them to this publication. We don’t need your negativity in Christmas 2020, in fact the negativity of Christmas 2020 should leave right now out the back door, and let the knowledge of Father Christmas’ existence soothe the awfulness of the year we’ve had. Additionally, directing your questions, queries or dissent, to the author of this groundbreaking piece of evidence is also kind of not on, soz. If you have questions, ask them of your soul, my dudes. Ask them of your heart. And the first one should be: whatever happened that made me so unwilling to believe in the spirit of christmas, when the evidence was right there in front of me?
Lucy wallis is a writer from London who can currently be found in Paris pretending to live the dream. She edits the zine near window, and her first full length work is due to be published soon. She tweets @thelucylist