Drunken Horoscopes by Your Favorite Aries: January 2021 Edition

Aries – New Year, New You! Ring in 2021 with this gem: Champagne Jello Shots! Who wants to do dishes on New Year’s Day anyway? Certainly not you. Ever. I’ve seen your kitchen.

Taurus – Sit back, relax in front of that roaring fire you made, watch the snow fall around you, and enjoy some Boozy Hot Chocolates. Just watch yourself around that fire after three of them. Or maybe just watch a fire on TV, yeah.

Gemini – Since you never can make up your mind, you end up drinking several kinds of alcohol at party (what are those? i barely recall anymore). Stop that right now and let me make you a tasty little drink: the Whiskey Sour. It’s many things, just like you, and sure to get you making new memories you can forget as soon as you wake up the next morning. Don’t worry, you were hilarious (and didn’t fall once).

Cancer – You’re feeling awfully nostalgic (always), so pair those wistful memories of better weather and outdoor brunches with a nice Summer Alexander or five! Did i say five? I meant maybe three, because you’ll be feeling them fast and the world will spin and back up they will come. 

Leo – There was a time when you pounded shots of Goldschläger just because you could. Bring that energy into 2021, but with a more mature palate! May I recommend a glass or four of the classic Raspberry Royale? Yes, and you will take all of them.

Virgo – Carry yourself into the first month of this New Year with a nice solid Cognac. Much like you, it’s refined, dignified, and not for everyone.

Libra – If ever there was a beverage that suited a sign more it’s Champagne for you. Mix it up this month with any number of partners: pomegranate, raspberries, even a little packet of pop rocks! Live it UP, but quietly, please. Your neighbors have been complaining.

Scorpio – I know, I know, what good is New Year’s anyway? Just another holiday to be depressed and lonely about. Well settle in this month with your own batch of The Chaos Ladder. It’s deeply brooding, just like you this month. 

Sagittarius – Get ready for a fun lil cocktail to dance into this year with: the Shandy! It’s quick, easy, fun, and vivacious, just like your January and much unlike your December. But too many will get those fingers flowing on that damn phone keyboard, so maybe just a couple, okay?

Capricorn – It’s your season, Caps, so enjoy it to the fullest with a nice Spiked Apple Cider! Use bourbon, whiskey, or rum, but stay inside and keep your wild antics to your living room. Alone. The way you like. 

Aquarius – I get it, you love White Claw. A lot. So much so, that you’ve literally tripped over your own feet “walking” to the fridge to get more. Here, let me grab you some Avery Sparkle while you lie down on your sofa. I know you’re too comfy to move. 

Pisces – You’re always in a dreamy mood, and this month is no different. Might i recommend a Pineapple Sage Gimlet? It’s out of this world and just what you crave. But don’t share any of it, I made it just for you.


Hillary Umland has long been a student of astrology, wine, and gin. She is happy to help you commune with the stars and hold you up when you’re stumbling around in the beer garden looking for your drink.

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