1. Finish What you Start
Stop threatening to quit SNL. Follow through on plans to remove old body art. Tattoo Timothée Chalamet’s face on newly unmarred skin.
2. Try New Things
Find a new favorite place to have a beer with friends. Date girls who won’t write songs or essays about your breakup. Audition for movies where you aren’t just playing yourself (even though you’re straight-up dope at it).
3. Awaken Entrepreneurial Spirit
Release a line of sex toys to ride the coattails of Pete Davidson vibrators. Trademark the term “ugly hot.” Raise NDA fines for live shows to two million dollars. You’re worth it, baby.
4. Spend More Time with Family
Call mom once a day. Drop-in on Poppy once a week. Check in with ex-girlfriends once a month to make sure you’ve haven’t spawned any new family members.
5. Find a Creative Outlet
Continue to avoid self-censoring. Paint watercolor renderings of images you see in your Fruity Pebbles while stoned. Join Wattpad and write Grinch-themed erotic fiction.
6. Drink More Water
Chug eight glasses a day (seriously dude, you’ve been malnourished for a pretty long time). Sleep longer than 45 minutes a night. Remind yourself that wellness is important, because your sexy zombie look won’t work forever (even if that big d*ck energy is definitely working right now).
Lindsay Hameroff is a humor writer and satirist. She lives in Harrisburg, PA with her husband and two kids. Her work has been published in Little Old Lady Comedy, Slackjaw, Points in Case, Frazzled, and more. In her spare time, she can be found reading, cooking, wrangling children, or fantasizing about making brisket for Harry Styles. You can find her on Twitter @LindsayHameroff.