Brian Worth’s “I-Mean-It-This-Time” Obituary

“College student Brian Worth, age 22, tragically ended his life today by stepping in front of a parked bus. His mother said he was despondent after his girlfriend left him for a woman. He is survived by Rufus, his border collie.”

“Brian Worth, future Tour de France cyclist, jumped to his death from the Golden Gate Bridge. A pedestrian who witnessed the plunge overheard Brian’s last words, ‘Marjorie made me do it.’ Police intend to question her in connection with the suicide.”

“Brian Worth, who after six weeks of introductory guitar lessons seemed destined for rock ’n roll stardom, died this week by amplifier electrocution. Mr. Worth is survived by his estranged ex-fiancé Marjorie Mingus.”

“Brian Worth, described by friends as the definition of ‘potential,’ died after an all-night drinking binge. The Chronicle reported that earlier in the day Mr. Worth had pointed a water pistol at a toy store security guard in an attempt at ‘suicide by rental cop.’”

“Brian Worth, future award-winning short-story writer, was found dead at his desk earlier this week. The autopsy report indicated that Mr. Worth died of terminal hand cramps after drafting endless self-obituaries. The last thing he wrote: ‘Marjorie wasn’t worth it.’”

Jim Woessner works as a visual artist and writer living on the water in Sausalito, California. He has an MFA in Creative Writing from Bennington College. His publishing credits include The Daily Drunk, Flash Fiction Magazine, Close to the Bone, Adelaide Magazine, Potato Soup Journal, and others.

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