Wow, this is the highest I’ve been since around the same time last year. Your friends and family sure are generous. I am sure you went all out on them, too. They should be grateful to have such a reciprocal relationship with you this holiday season.

Since our numbers are looking rather solid this fourth quarter, you may be able to get a few items that have been on your wish list since before last December. Well, perhaps that new laptop can wait. Remember, you are on a tight budget this time of year, well, not just this time of year, pretty much all year, every year. It would be wise to direct these numbers, first, on things you really need for the household.

Yes, let’s skip the laptop and get those standalone toilet paper holders. Remember someone from your family who visited this Christmas broke the TP holder attached to the wall in your most-used bathroom. Don’t forget the one to the other bathroom is very loose, also. It is only a matter of time till that one plummets from the wall, leaving a gaping hole just like the one in your biweekly finances. So two standalone toilet paper holders it is. Better order some extra TP as well. Your visiting family was busy these holidays.

Okay, we got that out of the way. Let’s see, I know you really wanted those pricey earphones for quite some time now. Let’s take a look… oof, that price is pretty up there. Perhaps, you should replenish stock in your kitchen. All that baking, cooking, and leftover storing these past few weeks has depleted your zip-locks, shrink-wrap, tinfoil, and oven parchment. Not to mention, you are out of trash bags and paper towels. Better go ahead and place the order for these. You can still use your headphones that work out of one ear.

Okay, let’s look at these numbers: slightly lower than where we started, but remember we want to focus on your needs, rather than wants. Think of me not as a gift card balance, but more of a mundane, finite expense account. Remain optimistic, we may yet get you something you’ve really, really wanted for quite some time. That special smart phone portable charger that lasts a very, very long time may be within range. Oh, but wait. You are low on everything in the hygiene and appearance category.

You’ve rolled up your toothpaste dispenser about as far as it can roll and now you are only getting enough out for one tooth. Also, the flakes of residue remnants on your deodorant bar aren’t cutting it. And there’s only so much cologne can do—speaking of which, you only have two and a half sprays left. And let’s get real, your lack of a haircut this quarter has made it difficult for your luxurious locks to be held down by mere sink water; it is time to invest in more gel. Think of this as an annual spa treatment in your very own bathroom. You will have all the items to go to work clean, refreshed, stylin’, and averagely hygienic.

Okay, let’s reassess me. We still have some room to enact a few fiscal gambits. There’s that chic cardigan you have had your eyes on since late summer. Oh wait, I’m sorry. Truly, I am. I forgot you needed a new faucet for the kitchen sink. Remember, the setting you press to change it from steady stream to sprinkle stream broke after a few relatives mildly rinsed rather than washed their dishes. Yeah, it would behoove you to invest in a faucet that works properly because as of right now there is only one setting, which is a hybrid of sprinkles and solid stream that makes washing dishes more like the mild rinse your family so adores.

Well, I think we have covered all of your needs at this juncture. It is safe to say there is enough balance left over to make one or two purchases. Oh, but I’m afraid you forgot to get the very cousins who so generously raised my balance a gift this year. You should probably use all that’s left of me to get them those headphones you really wanted. On the plus side, free shipping!



Nolan is a writer featured in Blood Moon Rising, Points in Case, Defenestration, The Copperfield Review, The Haven, Robot Butt, Little Old Lady Comedy, and others. Under penname Louis Emery he self-published Epic Fantasy novel Cinders on the Wind, which has a plethora of swordfights. His Twitter: @his_dudesty