Bored with routine testicle checks? Jealous of women’s Mammograms? Well, for all you adrenaline junkies, meet the Bollock-O-Gram! Why is it called the Bollock-O-Gram? Because it sounds funny!

To ensure you take advantage of this important screening, the U.S. Preventative Services Task Force (USPSTF) “encourages” annual testing for ALL daredevils, aged 18 through 80.

Bollock-O-Gram: About This Test

What is it?

• An X-ray of the testicles.

Why is this test done?

• For shits and giggles.

How can you prepare for the test?

• Tell your doctor if you:

• Are or might be a coward.

• Are or might be a thrill-seeker.

• Often fondle your testicles, or wantonly have others fondle your testicles, while doing something reckless—like skydiving.

• HAVE TESTICLE IMPLANTS.

• On the day of the test, don’t use deodorant, perfume, powders or ointments on your testicles.

• Do bring any extreme sports buddies, your mom, or a pet rat. That said, WE LOVE PET RATS! So please bring one!

What happens before the test?

• You hand over your pet rat—henceforth known as “Ratty.” However, please leave everyone else, including MOM, in the waiting room.

• You take off your clothes from the waist down.

• You take off jewelry and/or piercings that might interfere with the X-ray pictures.

• If you are handsome, with broad shoulders and tight buttocks, please strip off completely!

What happens during the test?

• We want “Ratty” to be happy. Consequently, Ratty has a spacious cage to play in (across from the Bollock-O-Gram machine), replete with rat treats and a running wheel.

• To assist in maintaining your upright position, the technician straps you into a parachute-type harness, hanging from the ceiling.

• To avoid injury to your penis, the technician inserts it into “the penis retainer,” attached to the harness. DO NOT ATTEMPT INTERCOURSE WITH RETAINER!

• Once you’re pumped and rarin’ to go, the technician places your testicles on a cold flat plate containing the X-ray film.

• You may be asked to raise up on your toes and lean back slightly, to gain more access to your testicles. Don’t worry, the harness will keep you stable. More importantly, you’ll have a great view of Ratty!

• Similar to mammograms, testicle-flattening can be a tad challenging, even to professional daredevils. But it is necessary to flatten them to get the best pictures. And it does sort the men from the boys!

• For a few seconds, while the X-ray picture is being taken, you need to hold your breath. However, it could take a little longer, should the technician be playing “peek-a-boo” with Ratty.

• Our technicians are sensitive creatures, easily upset by noise. And they’re VERY CONCERNED you might frighten poor Ratty. So if you’re prone to “WOOHOO-ing,” we offer a leather strap to bite on, or, for our vegan daredevils, FAKE-TOAD.

• Nitrous oxide is available—but ONLY for our technicians.

• During the Bollock-O-Gram let the technician know what you need to make your experience the most exhilarating it can be. For example: Imagine you’ve parachuted into hostile territory to rescue your beloved Ratty.

• No matter what revenge-fueled fantasies you might have about the technician (aka Ratty’s captor), STAY IN CONTROL! Holding their throat, in a death grip, while demanding they release your Ratty, is strictly off-limits! Just offer cash.

What else should you know about the test?

• Ratty is in good hands!

• Bollock-O-Grams do not prevent testicular cancer, or reduce a man’s risk of developing cancer. Nonetheless, they do entertain our technicians! AND YOU, OBVIOUSLY!

How long does the test take?

• About 30 minutes, allowing for Ratty and technician “playtime.”

What happens after the test?

• We return Ratty, along with a goody bag of cute toys and yummy rat treats.

• You receive a “Certificate of Excellence in Derring-do.”

• You are likely to be half-nuts by this time, so please use the back exit, to avoid scaring the other daredevils!

ALTERNATIVELY, there is the “Slightly-Less-of-a-Daredevil” Bollock-O-Gram!

What happens during the test?

• You lie naked on a padded table, your head on a fluffy pillow.

• An attractive technician (of your choosing!) gives you a sponge bath with luxuriously-foamy organic body wash.

• Now follows a head-to-toe massage. Might we suggest “The Pampered Daredevil’s Organic Lavender, Coconut & Orange Oil Massage”? You’ll smell heavenly and feel SO relaxed!

• The technician places a cozy, heart-shaped cushion around your testicles. This gently (and lovingly!) takes x-rays of them, is over in about a minute, and will not hurt at all.

What happens after the test?

• You get dressed, we return Ratty, he gets his goody bag of cute toys and yummy rat treats, and you receive a $500 Amazon gift card!

Just let us know, before we start, which Bollock-O-Gram works best for you!



Ronia Smits is an Anglo-American writer, artist and cat guardian who grew up in England, the Middle East and Africa. Their humor and salty satire have appeared in The Yellow Ham, Defenestration, Robot Butt, Points in Case and Little Old Lady Comedy. Ronia lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with their husband Professor Brovnik (and other wildlife!).