Thank you, Facebook, For Putting My Memories Of 2020 Into A Treasured Keepsake Photo Book!
Thank you for your recent notification! I am happy to know that through the magic of your social surveillance tools I can preview my best memories from 2020 and preserve them in a photo book I can treasure for a lifetime!
The photo of me New Year’s Eve, 2019, celebrating with family and friends, sure brought back memories. Also, that photo of me, hubby and the kids on the beach in Mexico for winter break in February! If I’d known then that those would be our last carefree moments before lockdown, I would have slept with the cabana boy!
How nice of you to include the photo of me with my first sourdough loaf. The kids said it looked like a mutant toadstool. I didn’t know they knew what ‘mutant’ meant! Netflix is teaching them so much!
And who knew I wanted to relive that moment when I tried to color my own hair? Your artificial intelligence algorithm, Facebook, that’s who! My husband remarked that he’d only previously seen that vivid shade of orange on an orangutan’s butt. After the look I gave him, he’s not saying much now.
Also, I’m so impressed that your cyberstalking system would serve up something that looks like me hibernating next to a Jenga stack of wine bottles! Hilarious! And is that a crumpled bag of flaming hot Cheetos and an empty ice cream container next to me? I don’t even REMEMBER this, so how can it show up in my memory book!? You’re a riddle inside an enigma wrapped in my unwashed bathrobe, Facebook!
And way to go, Facebook! Including that shot of me on a Zoom meeting, not only pant-less, but pantie-less, is genius! Exposing my furry taco to my coworkers is a memory that will be seared into their retinas for all time and expresses perfectly your Vision statement to ‘discover what’s going on in the world!’ That’s some discovery, let me tell you! Let them try getting two kids ready for Zoom classes while getting dressed! Here’s something else that’s going on in the world: I traded the kids for a 12-pack of 2-ply toilet paper! That was an excellent deal, let me tell you!
Did you forget the mani-pedi I gave myself!? Not you, Facebook! Nosiree! Fun fact: that’s not ‘Crazy Red Rose’ by O.P.I. on those nails! That’s what’s left of my husband after I put him through the meat grinder just like Carol Baskin did to her husband!! I served him with fava beans and a nice chianti, which were the only things I had left in my pantry! It’s not my fault! We were in lockdown and I couldn’t get to the grocery store!
Thanks to your artificial neural network, Facebook, I can relive every tender moment of my DESCENT INTO MADNESS, including the body cam footage of me being escorted from my house while surrounded by S.W.A.T. officers! Also, thanks to you, I am reminded to always wear waterproof mascara!
So, yes, please rush my order for this year’s book of Facebook memories! And please continue to help me connect and share with the people in my life. I can’t wait to see the preview of my ‘25-to-life-without-the-possibility-of-parole’ memories!
Nancy Franklin has been published in The Daily Drunk, Points in Case and the Los Angeles Times. She enjoys cold beer and flaming shots of tequila, even when writing. Follow her on Twitter, @mirthquakes_.