Dear brilliant, exalted author:
It is my distinct pleasure to be in touch.
I’m the publishing consultant at Vanity Publishing Regime, Megalomaniac Division, where we showcase the writing of some of the greatest iconic thinkers of our time. We have become aware of your excellent writing and are eager to work together with you.
We at Vanity PR believe that everyone who is an important right-wing senator deserves a book deal so as not to assault their American 1st Amendment rights. Otherwise, it seems like we are in a fascist dictatorial state or something, am I right? At this critical time in America, we would hate for your book to get lost in all these Orwellian battles!
We are an independent publisher of top-quality books only. We heard about your troubles with that traditional publisher, and frankly we weren’t surprised. We’re sure that your incredible email box is flooded with other publishers clambering to publish your book. But let me explain why we are the BEST choice.
At Vanity PR, we are HIGHLY SELECTIVE. We don’t publish just anyone’s work. In fact, we are so exclusive that you may never have even heard of us. SHH!
Let me take a moment to explain our system at Vanity PR and how WE CAN GET YOUR BOOK OUT QUICK! Much faster than traditional publishers. Of course, you won’t have to worry about any of the difficulties of self-publishing. With us, your book may reach the hands of millions of Americans!
At Vanity PR, we don’t believe in censorship. We believe your book belongs in as many libraries and bookshops as you can sell it outside of.
Please confirm who would you prefer to play you in the HOLLYWOOD adaptation of your book. Off the top of my head, I’m thinking Scott Baio?
Our fees include:
-reading fee (But if you act in the next 24 hours, I will WAIVE OUR READING FEE. That’s right! So that you don’t miss this valuable opportunity, I will give you a call at your office. Would that be your senate office or are they still sweeping the Capitol for listening devices and bombs, and cleaning up blood and feces?)
-editing (so your dazzling rhetoric sparkles off the page for the reader)
-cover design (We have a great shot of you from the front of the Capitol with your clenched fist in front of the mob, but you may have a boudoir photo you prefer?)
-marketing (Leave the marketing in our hands. The book will practically sell itself, with your brilliance. Well, not really, I mean, you still need us to market it. But you should definitely parle about it on Parler!)
In exchange, we get the exclusive rights to your book, nothing for you to worry about.
All of this will be yours for a mere hundred thousand. (You should deliver it in unmarked bills to Foxstone Park under the footbridge at Wolftrap Creek. Then you buy the books directly from us and sell them whenever and wherever you want! We’re thinking you can sell them out of trailers at Trump ‘rallies’?)
You’ll begin to receive royalties the moment that our out-of-pocket costs in this venture have been recouped! We do expect you to make back this amount easily, from the book sales to all the people who want to read what you have to say. And in case those people don’t read, I can hook you up with our Audiobooks Division (Megalo-Microphone) as well. Would you like to read your book aloud or we could look into anyone who hasn’t jumped ship? (Another reason to get a jump on this deal!)
Oh, and one last tiny term of the contract, since we are unable to publish books by members of congress, we will need you to resign your senate seat. But don’t dwell on that. That is just the one final bit we’ll need in order for our amazing company to work with your powerful and important self to publish your ground-breaking work.
All the best, and we look forward to working with you on your amazing work!
Ima Cheetah (on behalf of Vanity PR, Megalomaniac Division)
Gwen Summers is the pen name of a physician. She wishes she could tell you who she actually is, because she is a brilliant doctor (at least her friends say so!) She has also written for Points in Case, The Belladonna Comedy, and Little Old Lady Comedy.
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